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Ellis and Tyler

Mornings with Ellis, Tyler and Tracy…A positive way to start your day!

Today’s Positive Thoughts

Give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.
Psalm 107:31 NIV

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 NIV

Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
Hebrews10:24 NIV

Why are Arrogant Guys Afraid of Counseling?

By Dwight Bain

Face it. All people have problems, not just women. Yet, the research shows the majority of people who seek professional counseling are female. In fact the majority of counselors are now women, (over 60%).

  • Does this mean women have more problems than men?
  • Does it mean women really are the “weaker” sex?

Or does it mean women are just more honest because they are being healthier by working on problems instead of ignoring them?

This process may explain why men tend to struggle with addictions to sports, alcohol, pornography, gambling, violence or drugs more than women do. Simply put a healthy person seeks out wise counsel when facing a challenge while an unhealthy person refuses help and only tries to figure it out themselves. Here are the most common reasons men avoid counseling situations.

1.       Pride, “I’m not the problem- everybody else is”

2.      Fear of their problems being exposed “for the world to see”

3.      Fear of being seen as “Weak” by not being able to solve all their problems alone

4.      Fear of Criticism from others pointing out where they are not perfect

5.       Pain avoidance, basically “I don’t want to go to a place where they might make me cry”

6.       Humbling to ask others for help

7.      Financial fears – with thoughts like, “Why do I have to pay to bleed out?” Or “Why should I pay a stranger to do what I know I should be doing anyway?” (Note – attending the average professional sporting event costs 3-30 times more than the cost of a professional counseling session. One challenges your thinking the other gives you a few hours to not think about anything. Guess which one the average guy will pick?)

8.      Not having time, or saying they don’t have time to seek help, yet the average man spends over 20 hours per week watching sports on TV.

9.      Big fear of the “Last stop”  which is the insecurity of feeling you have burned through every friend and now no one wants to listen to you talk about your life anymore. Basically everyone has given up on you.

10.  Being “Numb” to life and forgetting how it feels to feel normal, or feel good, or feel joy inside, so the goal is to stay numb by not thinking or feeling anything important… or another version of this is to be able to talk about the entire batting averages of some guy they will never meet to avoid having to learn the names of their own child’s teachers. Major discussions about highly detailed financial markets, yet cannot ever remember the date of their own wedding anniversary.

11.  Negative Expectations – “it won’t get better – so why even try?

12.  Being listed as “Crazy” or being perceived as having a mental illness.

This one is interesting since the American Psychiatric Association is releasing a new guide to outline the diagnosable mental health issues in the United States. The results do not look promising. Early indicators point to 10% of the population have some form of diagnosable mental illness while 40% have emotional issues in varying degrees of severity.  You have to wonder which half the people you work around are in, since the APA suggests that people who don’t seek out professional therapy when needed are actually the emotionally unhealthy ones. And you guessed it… it’s not women who skip out on seeking insight and emotional management, it’s the guys.

So should everyone go to counseling? Yes, but not all the time. Think of it like going to the Dentist, Chiropractor, Eye Doctor or a Car Mechanic. You go to a qualified professional to fix something or maintain it to prevent bigger problems. Same with most counseling- It’s a short term approach to prevent long term problems.  But it takes getting honest about issues, and that is a place where a lot of guys don’t want to go. They would take down a terrorist to protect their family, but when it comes to facing their own selfishness, or anger, or lust, or confronting a rebellious teenager or setting boundaries with a controlling in-law, they act like scared babies and hide.

The Biggest Problem Men Face

The biggest obstacle men face isn’t usually their actual problems. It’s simply admitting they have them. Actually admitting you have a problem isn’t easy, but it is the beginning to solve it.

The odd thing is that most guys like to “fix” everything for others. You know, tinkering with the lawn mower to make it start again, or rebooting a computer, or plugging leaks under the sink, or working on the router to get the Wi-Fi back up… you name it, most guys will try to fix it… unless it’s about improving them or their relationships.  Seems backward doesn’t it? Actually it’s not. Fixing the car doesn’t require opening up your heart to possible hurt, rejection or criticism. Car’s don’t ask hard questions like when a son asks his father, “Why is it okay for you to watch bad TV, but it’s not okay for me?” Cars just sit there and don’t talk, think, feel or challenge a guy’s thinking or hold him accountable to make better choices.

Virginia Woolfe said, “If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” So understanding emotions are healthy to express, but may cause you to feel helpless at first is a normal reaction. To express negative emotions through journaling, talking or praying is a powerful start, but honestly looking at issues in light of the example of Christ is the most transformational. Deep spiritual insight creates major emotional change.

Here’s a thought, What if the Clutter in a guy’s car, was an actual reflection of the clutter in his mind? While there are no psychological studies to show the connection between messy cars and mental concentration, it is true thatgreater self-awareness leads to greater self-improvement.

It is a direct 1:1 correlation, which is why you always have to change you before you can change anyone else. This is especially true in marriage, yet many guys make blaming their wife or kids for their problems an art form. The sad reality is their wife and kids know dad has problems too, but also know he would rather die than admit to any weakness.

So how can guys break out of the pattern of being average to become emotionally healthy? Simple, just follow these four principles.

1.      Face it

2.      Feel it

3.      Process it

4.      Grow

To face it is to get honest, to make it real. Since once you know you need to work on something like explosive anger, you now have to do something about it, or you have to lie and cover up. Guess which one most guys pick?

To feel it is to allow emotions to be expressed in a non-violent or non-threatening way. Since most guys learned how to “suck it up and be a man”which translated means “shut up and never tell anyone how you really feel” they don’t know how to describe what they are feeling. But they do know how to be angry. That’s why anger is the most common emotion for men to express. They aren’t allowed to cry anywhere except their mother’s funeral, but they can be mad anytime, anyplace, anywhere and at anyone… while everyone around them is supposed to just understand and not take it personal.

To process it is to talk through issues to release the regrets of the past, face the mistakes, take ownership for wrongs and to move forward in character development. This process leads to the final stage which is growth. A growing man will manage emotions instead of just stuff them. This is actually quite prudent since he will become more secure in himself to then lead his family in truth which is a good trade.

God wants men to be strong leaders- not passive couch potatoes. If you are a guy let this article challenge you to lead your family in truth; but if you are the woman in the life of a guy who blames you a lot, then it’s about time for a real honest talk. Will he change? Will he take ownership to really be different? You won’t know until you ask.


About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
Reprint Permission– If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. “Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2013), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visitwww.LifeworksGroup.org.

7 Key Strategies of Highly Effective Parents

By Dwight Bain

Hundreds of times I’ve been asked questions after talk shows or speaking events about what it takes to set up a child to win at life. Basically people were asking for a step by step guidebook on how to meet the needs of a child, while leading them toward a life of early success instead of long term failure. It’s a great question, but since every child is different and every family has to overcome various challenges at different stages of life, there isn’t a 100% time tested answer to that question. That’s not bad news, it’s just life, but there is some good news if you want a sure bet solution to create strong and healthy kids; which comes from the advice that psychologist James Dobson told me once, “no matter how hard you try, your kids could still break all the rules and break your heart in the process- so stay on your knees and pray hard!”

After you pray for them, here’s a simple parenting formula that can help you to set your kids up to grow, mature and develop at any stage of life. I call it the “N.E.E.D. Formula” because it spells out the word need with the four key parenting strategies necessary to bring positive change to the children or teens in your life. Another important element is that the N.E.E.D. Formula will keep you on track as a balanced parent committed to bringing out the best in your kids without overindulging, over-protecting or over-controlling your children. (See more on this subject in the book “Loving your child too much” by Dr. Tim Clinton, @DrTimClinton ).

Here are the four essential parenting strategies your child needs to succeed.

N- Nourish
This includes parenting a child through all of the basics required to survive on this planet; including, providing food, shelter, clothing, shoes, grooming supplies and training in how to do everything from dressing yourself, tying your own shoes, brushing your own teeth and knowing how to take care of your body with healthy food choices, hydration and getting enough sleep. Add to these basic elements of parenting basic medical and dental care as required by the needs of the child and you have the first category required to raise healthy children.

When this need is met a child feels a deep sense of safety.

E- Encourage
This is the ‘soft love’ that children need to experience so often, which includes hugs, tickles, giggles, praise, ‘atta-boy’s or atta-girl’s’, kisses and lots of unconditional acceptance expressed verbally, like ‘I love you no matter what” especially when a child may be facing a difficult time or trying to recover from a painful experience or rejection.

– When this need is met a child feels a deep sense of Security

E- Equip
This is the ‘hard love’ that is most simply expressed through the word ‘no’. When a child begins to respect their parents, and really listens to the advice, counsel and direction provided by their mom and dad they begin the process of becoming equipped with incredible character qualities like self-discipline, self-control, responsibility and an understanding of boundaries, consequences and taking ownership for their behavior by being accountable to the authority sources in their life. (Like parents, grandparents, teachers and law enforcement officers.)

When this need is met a child develops confidence and strength.

D- Develop
Perhaps the most overlooked element in this process, because many parents forget that that their role of being a mommy or daddy isn’t forever. God set up a system of raising children to become strong young people to then launch them out into the world and let them go live their own lives. (Or as the popular song lyric goes, ‘Give them roots and give them wings).

This area includes coaching, guiding, educating, creating learning experiences, providing classes, training or growth events that nurture and develop the basic strengths of that child to become the man or woman that God designed them to be.

When this need is met a child experiences early success.

Now, let’s get personal – if you are gutsy, score yourself on a scale of 1-25, (25 is the highest), in each category to see how you are doing as a parent. Most parents do a great job in the N and E of the formula, but then begin to drop off on the second E and often get so busy that they never do much with the final D part of the formula at all. If a child has too many things provided for them, they don’t mature on track which can lead to falling way behind their peers in terms of becoming independent thinkers and self-reliant young adults.

Once you have identified the gaps in your own parenting style I challenge you to take positive action to work on your parenting approach so can you get better results with your kids at this stage of life. If you see one of the four key areas that are scored at 12 or below, then you may want to do some research to discover more specific ways to help your child be your best in those categories. If you are below a 5 in a particular category you may want to seek some professional guidance to maximize your potential as a parent in every area of your child’s life.

Fighting back against the biggest roadblocks to raising strong kids

Here are a few other key strategies that may help you bring out the best in your kids every day since I want you to have the best tools and resources possible to help your son or daughter be their best. Do this by overcoming the two biggest obstacles that tend to ‘steal’ your kids away from your parental influence. Those categories are Peers and Media. Solve this by using the strategies below to build stronger connections with their peers, then learning how to make positive connections in their choices of media and finally aggressively building on the natural strengths of your child.

1) Connection to a peer with similar values.

Battle back against negative peers by guiding your child toward peers with similar personality and similar family backgrounds and then nurture your child’s relationship with those positive peers. Sheila and I have rescheduled vacations, holidays and other planned family gatherings to make sure that our kids were able to experience every healthy relationship experience possible. Does that mean we are ‘meddling’ behind the scenes to get a more favorable outcome- you bet! Remember, it only takes one good friend in childhood or the turbulent teen years who can talk you out of making a bad decision, or one bad friend who can take you down. Peers have more power than parents at different stages, so take every action you can to point them toward positive role models and toward building healthy relationships today.

Peers are the #1 influencer during middle and high school so if you aren’t sure how to find healthy kids for your children to connect with, then remember to check out their friends from school or church groups, sports, or perhaps your child could make a great connection through someone they might meet in a specialty camp, like YMCA swimming lessons, Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, or Joe White’s incredibly effective sports camps- http://www.kanakuk.com/ . Our daughter Heidi has made and kept friends through the years who shared similar interests and values through her wonderful summer experiences at the Billy Graham summer program for kids in Black Mountain, NC, called “Camp Cedar Cliff” http://www.bgtc.info/ ).

2) Connection to positive media with a message they really relate to.

Find great movies, (Films like “Facing the Giants” for older kids or perhaps “Finding Nemo” for the younger set), powerful songs or fun TV shows that teach an important message – like the TV show “Are you smarter than a 5th grader”, which is a combination between “Who wants to be a millionaire” & “Jeopardy”. It’s a fun way to connect as a family because it shows that very bright 5th graders are very often smarter than ‘average’ adults in academic subjects so it’s a fun way to get everyone in the family involved in learning the basic facts of science, math or literature.

Another strategy to utilize is to consider how adding DVR or Tivo, (which is an add-on to your cable service and may require a new box), because this technology allows you to auto save the programs you want, and save time by fast forwarding past the commercials. This also gives you the power to pick whatever television shows your family can benefit from so they can watch things that empower, educate and inform when it’s most convenient, and gives you total parental control of the advertising messages they are exposed to.

Check out other great resources to help you find the best media fit for your child, like The Truth Project www.Truthproject.org on developing a Christian world view, or the Parents Television Council.http://www.parentstv.org/, the National Institute on Media and the Family,http://www.mediafamily.org/, The Dove Foundation, (which reviews music, films and television),http://www.dove.org/ or the really cool resource for parents to understand all forms of media and their influence on kids, “Plugged In Magazine- Online” at http://www.pluggedinonline.com/

3) Personality is the third factor, which is to find your child’s passion, (strength), as early as possible.

If someone is in love with piano, diving, golf, martial arts, small business, film, cartooning, tennis, skiing, newspaper, art, baseball, football, volunteering at the rescue mission, or FFA, it gives them valuable experience in the areas that they are best suited for, while protecting them from the dark side of culture reflected in the old saying, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.”

I can still vividly remember how my parents guided me during my middle teen years with seeking out opportunities for me to do volunteer work at media stations. My early experiences at WDBO-AM, WFTV-TV9/ABC, WTLN-AM and WMFE-TV24/PBS created a love for communicating through media that lives on to this day. Media communication experiences in my middle teen years led to the desire to learn how to be a public speaker through joining the speech club, Toastmasters International, (www.toastmasters.org/) after high school. My parents wisely planted seeds during my childhood years that have grown into a lifetime of positive career experiences working in the field of communications by God’s grace.

(Side note: The book I recommended for adults to better understand building on strengths is “Now Discover your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham and Don Clifton. Dr. James Dobson has a tremendous amount of practical parenting strategies to overcome the most challenging of situations at his website, www.Family.org . And if your child struggles with school work or test anxiety, I highly recommend the insightful book by Dr. Mel Levine on the unbelievable challenges that face kids during the middle school years through high school, “Ready or Not, here life comes” or the wealth of information on learning style differences available at his excellent website, www.AllKindsofMinds.comwhich shows how to bring out the best in kids that don’t fit the ‘cookie cutter’ system of education used in many places. One size may fit all in flip-flops but it doesn’t work with children, so search until you find the role models and resources that will help you to best help your child).

Once you know what your child’s passion and strengths are – then actively get involved in building their confidence by developing those strengths by studying the lives of positive role models your child can identify with, or by finding private lessons to help them best utilize their skills, talents and natural abilities, or through summer camps. For instance if your child loved the ocean, consider Camp Sea World, where kids and parents actually do overnight camping in the park next to the Killer whales; or if a child is older they could attend the week long intensive programs offered by Sea World during the summer months and then come home and tell you all about what they learned as they begin to stretch their wings to fly away from home for a little while at this stage, to eventually soar out into the world as a confident young person.

Taking positive action now by planting seeds of greatness inside your son or daughter and then watering and developing those seeds to meet your child’s N.E.E.D.’s in a powerful way will set your kids up to win, and when they experience success early in life so do you! Do whatever you can now to help your kids with the N.E.E.D. Formula because the clock is ticking and you don’t get any time back. Remove any roadblock that keeps you from being the best mom or dad that you can be and do it today!

If this seems overwhelming to you, then here’s a simple strategy from my friend John Trent, PhD who challenges all of us to get involved in our kids lives through a series of tiny steps that eventually bring huge results. (learn more about this user-friendly concept in his book, The 2 degree Difference” available from his website, http://www.strongfamilies.com/) This message is made even more real as you listen to the words of noted author C.S. Lewis, who said, “Good and evil both increase at compound interest. This is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance.”

This is your time to step up to make a positive difference in the life of your kids, so I hope that you will be challenged to meet their N.E.E.D.’s in a new way. Who knows, one day I may get to rejoice along with you as your child experiences early success because of your wise influence as the most important person on the planet to them. Between now and “launch time”- know that you are not alone in the journey and that there are people who will help you past the rough spots with your kids and even more who will cheer as your son or daughter experiences early success in the future from the seeds you planted in their lives today.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

“Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews(Copyright, 2004-2013, by the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. 407-647-7005)”

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.

Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by joining the thousands of readers who receive his free eNews full of practical tips to add greater value to your life. Receive these important special reports and step by step resources by subscribing at www.LifeWorksGroup.org


Pray for our Troops List

Sheriff Kevin Berry [in Afghanistan]

Steve Shuman [in Afghanistan]

Linda [serving in Afghanistan]

Jorden Culleny [US Army Ft Hood Texas]

Kyle [US Air Force, serving in Guam]



R. Rosario

Jonathan Hulse

Jennifer [serving in Afghanistan]

William Feger

Wesley Smith

David Sandberg

William Edward Shepler, PFC

SGM Don Gaskins [Recovering from a heart attack]

Captain Yadira Gamio [serving in Afghanistan]

1SG Nelson Gamio [serving in Afghanistan]

Nathan Newberg [Rescue Swimmer]

Stephen Erlacher [serving in Afghanistan]

CW3 Richard Howard

Rik Todd

David Ward

Shawn Langan

Chuck Kindig

1SG Dennis Godfrey

CPT Sean Godfrey

COL James Godfrey [Currently Deployed]

LTC James Godfrey [Retired]

Josh Munger

SPC Justin Gerhart [serving in Afghanistan]

Jose C, Sr.

Jose C, Jr.

Jose A, Sr.

Jose A, Jr.

Nick E

Renny E

Linda E

Erasmo T

Nelson F

Sailor Kyle Hanson

Jeremy Vess [serving in Afghanistan]

James Raney [serving in Afghanistan]

Joey Cerami [serving in Afghanistan]

4 Rivers St. Louis Ribs

St. Louis Ribs

Serves 2

1 full rack of St. Louis–style ribs (about 4 pounds)
2 tablespoons 4R All-Purpose Rub
2 cups apple juice, poured into a squirt bottle
2 tablespoons light brown sugar
2 tablespoons honey
¼ cup BBQ Sauce

Prepare smoker

  1. Soak wood for 1 hour before smoking.
  2. Light charcoal and allow to burn to a white ash
  3. Place soaked hickory on top of hot coals and allow the temperature to settle at 225°F.

Cook ribs

  1. Meanwhile, remove membrane on underside of rack of ribs (or score along the length of the rack with a knife, taking care not to puncture the meat).
  2. Apply rub evenly over top of ribs.
  3. Place in smoker and cover.
  4. Check and replace wood and coal every hour to maintain a constant temperature.
  5. After 2 hours, begin to spray the ribs with apple juice every 30 minutes
  6. Continue smoking and spraying ribs for another 1½ hours, until the meat turns a dark brown and begins to pull back from the ends of the rib so ¼ to ½ inch of the bone is exposed and meat is tender to touch.
  7. Remove ribs from smoker. Spray with apple juice and sprinkle top with brown sugar and honey, then wrap tightly in plasticwrap or aluminum foil.
  8. Place ribs back in smoker for 30 minutes.
  9. Remove ribs from smoker and keep wrapped until ready to serve. If longer than 30 minutes, place ribs in an empty cooler and close lid tight to preserve heat.

Finish ribs

  1. Just before serving, heat a gas grill to medium-high.
  2. Remove ribs from wrapping and drizzle with BBQ sauce.
  3. Place ribs on hot grill, bottom side down, for 3 minutes. Flip only once and    grill the top side for another 3 minutes, until meat is slightly charred and sugar from the BBQ sauce has caramelized.

Talking about the Elephant in the Room

By Dwight Bain

Been to the circus and seen the elephants? The domesticated ones are amazing to watch, but what if an elephant were not tamed?  What would happen then? Elephants are the largest living animals walking on earth at 13 feet tall weighing up to 15,000 pounds that can destroy about anything, (I saw a TV news story showing an elephant on rampage literally tossing cars around like small toys and chasing hundreds of people down the street… terrifying). Tamed elephants can add value, but a wild elephant goes wherever it wants, leaving a path of destruction in its path.

There is an old saying that some families have an elephant in the room; meaning there are some huge issues no one is willing to talk about. Yet, just like having something bigger than a mini-van in the living room, everyone can see it. Psychologists call this dysfunction, but if you are living through it you know it’s totally discouraging, disheartening and sometimes even dangerous… like a wild elephant.  

A dysfunctional family has three rules about the elephant in the room-

1.      Don’t Talk

2.      Don’t Think

3.      Don’t Feel

Meaning there are usually a lot of secrets, silence and stress in dysfunctional families. It is more common than you think for families to ignore one another, or worse to blow up on each other.

How to get started? You have to name the beast.

Sometimes the ‘elephant’ is alcohol, sometimes it’s abusive or violent language, sometimes it can be a secret addiction like gambling, drugs or pornography, then other times it’s about money; major debt no one talks about, or takes action about until the moving trucks arrive before foreclosure and the cars are repossessed. A distant marriage that is slowly dying – but no one does anything about it can be a common ‘elephant.’ In-laws and family loyalty can be a massive elephant for some families – you know, this family member doesn’t like that in-law, so they make secret phone calls or stab them in the back to continually weaken the relationship. It can really get ugly… and can only get bigger until someone names the beast.


Family secrets happen a lot, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.  You can ‘tame’ the elephants by naming them, and beginning to talk about it; or make the decision to keep them locked up and never discuss it again but you can’t let them roam around your family wrecking everything in their path. Here is a better formula to solve family dysfunction and do what I call ‘taming the elephants.’  

This process is easy to remember, since it spells out the word, “TALK.” Here’s how it works:

T – Trust

A – Accept

L – Listen

K – Keep calm

First, you have to have a trusting relationship with the people in your family to talk openly about anything. If you have trust, you have everything and are better able to discuss problems openly. If there is low trust, or worse, you are in a relationship without trust then you need to call in a professional elephant tamer, (read as Counselor), since they can bring balance to the situation until trust can be rebuilt.

Once trust is built, the next step is to accept what your family member is saying. Remember, they have a perspective that you may have overlooked, and their opinion needs to be considered. Acceptance involves not attacking, criticizing or blaming a person for sharing their point of view. Which leads to the next stage in the process –

Listen. Simply stop and really listen to your family members. Listen to your friends. Start conversations about the ‘elephant’s in the room’ and really listen to what is being said. Family secrets cannot last long when you are talking openly and listening to each other. In fact, many problems are solved when you just block out time to listen to each other.

Of course family secrets are tough to talk about, so the final part of the process is to keep calm; especially if the topics are difficult to bring up, (like alcoholism, an affair or unplanned pregnancy). Keep calm and remember the goal, to tame the elephants of major problems to keep your home calm and safe.

When you tackle these issues directly and in a calm way you can work through anything. If things get a little rocky, reach out for help from others, but don’t just ignore the elephants. Families that talk openly together, and then prayerfully work through the issues move from living in a circus full of crazy elephants running around, to a peaceful zoological park. The big issues may still be there, but they are named, managed and observed from a safe distance and no one gets hurt.

You don’t have to lose your marriage or family over the elephant in the room, but you do have to TALK about it. There is a verse in Isaiah 55 that can get you started, “Come let us reason together.” If there are elephants running around your home I challenge you to seek a reasonable solution. Stop avoiding and start talking. You will like the results if you stick with it because the more you TALK the less likely you will get trampled in the process. Since family secrets get worse with time, get started and know God is challenging you to speak the truth in a loving way. (Ephesians 4:15)



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Calm after Crisis: Understanding the Emotional Warning Signs & Trauma Symptoms after a community Terrorist Attack

By Dwight Bain

A community crisis, (like the Boston Marathon Bombing),can terrorize an entire community in just a few minutes, while the recovery process to rebuild from a major critical incident may take weeks or months to sort through. The more you know about how to survive and rebuild after the crisis, the faster you can take positive action to get your personal and professional life back on track.

Since community crisis events like extreme acts of violence, bombing, school shootings or terrorism are unpredictable it requires a different course of action from natural disasters like hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, fires and floods. What can you do right now to cope with the psychological impact of a major community crisis?

Dealing directly with your emotions will reduce the tension and stress on you, which allows you to have more energy to deal with a difficult situation. However, if you stuff your fears and frustrations in a major community crisis, your emotions can quickly blow up without warning. Exploding in rage on your children, your coworkers or your marriage partner will only make a difficult situation worse. Community crisis events are a terrible situation full of loss and difficulty for everyone. By taking action now you can move beyond feeling overwhelmed by intense stress, anger or confusion. As you follow the insight from this recovery guide, you will be taking positive steps to rebuild with the focused energy of an even stronger life for you and your family after the emergency service workers pack up and go home because your community has recovered.

To best survive a major community crisis, you need a strong combination of three key elements

– healthy coping skills
– healthy supports and a
– healthy perspective

While things will never be the same as they were before the community crisis, (like a mass shooting); the following guidelines will give you the key elements needed to get past the overwhelming stress and to find even greater strength on the other side.

What are the dangerous warning signs of stress overload?

A major community crisis affects everyone however; it becomes dangerous to our health when the stress goes on for an extended period of time. Major stress can affect adults, children, the elderly and even pets, so it is important to be alert to watch for the danger signs of the psychological condition called, ‘Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder’, (commonly referred to as PTSD), in yourself, your family members and coworkers. These symptoms include any dramatic change in emotions, behavior, thought patterns or physical symptoms over the next few days, weeks or even months. Since community crisis events are a terribly stressful time for everyone and often remain stressful for days or weeks to come, there are a number of factors to be aware of to keep yourself and those who you care about safe.

Dangerous Stress Warning Signs

These signs are indicators that the intense stress from the critical incident is beginning to overwhelm the individual. The longer the stress symptoms occur-the greater the severity of the traumatic event on the individual. This does not imply craziness or personal weakness; rather, it simply indicates that the stress levels from the storm were too powerful for the person to manage and their body is reacting to the abnormal situation of having survived a major trauma.

It’s normal to feel completely overwhelmed by a community crisis like a mass shooting or natural disaster; however there are danger signs to watch for in yourself or others that may indicate psychological trauma. Adults or children who display any of the following stress symptoms may need additional help dealing with the events of this crisis. It is strongly recommended that you seek the appropriate medical or psychological assistance if you see a lot of the physical, emotional, cognitive or behavioral symptoms listed below in you, your coworkers, or someone in your family or home, especially if these symptoms weren’t present before the crisis.

Physical Symptoms: 
Chills, thirst, fatigue, nausea, fainting, vomiting, dizziness, weakness, chest pain, headaches, elevated blood pressure, rapid heart rate, muscle tremors, difficulty breathing, shock symptoms, and so on.

Emotional Symptoms: 
Fear, guilt, grief, panic, denial, anxiety, irritability, depression, apprehension, emotional shock, and feeling overwhelmed, loss of emotional control, and so on.

Cognitive Symptoms:
Confusion, nightmares, uncertainty, hyper-vigilance, suspiciousness, intrusive images, poor problem solving, poor abstract thinking, poor attention/memory and concentration, disorientation of time, places or people, difficulty identifying objects or people, heightened or lowered alertness, and so on.

Behavioral Symptoms:
Withdrawal, antisocial acts, inability to rest, intensified pacing, erratic movements, changes in social activity, changes in speech patterns, loss of or increase of appetite, increased alcohol consumption, and so on.

If you are in doubt about these symptoms in your life, or someone you care about, it is wise to seek the care of a physician or certified mental health professional. Better to actively deal with the stressful emotions directly to help yourself and your loved ones to immediately cope with this crisis because these emotions tend to worsen and get more intense if left untreated. Remember that there are many experienced professionals who can help you and your children recover during a time of crisis.

You do not have to go through this alone.

Take action now to prevent stress from continuing to overwhelm you or the people you care about. Call a trusted friend to talk through it, reach out to clergy, or call your family doctor or counselor. If you don’t know someone to call about these emotional issues, you can reach out for assistance by calling telephone hotlines which are offered at no cost to you. These numbers are often posted by local media, hospitals, the American Red Cross, the Salvation Army or FEMA. If you, or someone you care about are feeling overwhelmed by stress, anxiety, guilt or grief it’s important to make the call for assistance now to learn how to get past the pressure to begin to feel ‘okay’ again.

How does a community crisis event affect kids? 

It depends on the age of the child. The younger the child, the more they look to their parents for emotional security and strength. If a Mom or Dad are “shell-shocked” or “numb” and not able to manage their own emotions or responsibilities; the child will feel that pressure and become very confused and further stressed. Remember, it’s normal to be overwhelmed by a community crisis like a mass shooting. This is why it’s so important to take care of yourself in order to take care of your children and those your care about through the long period of recovery and rebuilding after the crisis.

Think about the advice given on commercial airliners to parents traveling with small children. “Should there be an unexpected cabin de-pressurization; oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over your nose and mouth like this and then place the mask over the mouth and nose of those around you needing assistance.” Take care of your own emotional needs first, and then you will be in a stronger position to help those around you. If you feel overwhelmed in giving your children or others who may depend on you for support, please ask for help. It’s okay to be tired, worn out and overly stressed. That’s normal after a community crisis.

However, it’s not okay to ignore caring for the needs of those counting on you like children, the elderly or pets. Sometimes a parent may need to make adjustments at work or change their own schedules for a while by delegating some tasks in order to have time and energy to help their children avoid feeling more pressure from the difficult experience that surviving a major disaster brings. If you feel that your caregiver ‘tank’ is empty, let someone else help you for a while until you get your strength back. That’s best for you and for those that you care about.

When you can focus and dedicate attention to understanding the needs of young children, notice what they are saying, drawing or doing to determine if they are still feeling overly stressed from the traumatic event.

School age kids

need to talk, draw pictures or take positive action, (like having a lemonade stand to raise money for kids just like them who may have lost loved ones or family members because of the traumatic event), so if you give them something to do to help, they can take positive action and sort through their emotions immediately.

High school age kids

may try to act “cool” about everything, but often are more scared about the changes, losses and confusion than any other group. They are older and may need to experience a bit more “reality” at times to loosen up their ability to talk about what is happening around them. If they are willing to talk to their siblings, other family members, clergy or counselors it often doesn’t take very long before they can grow strong enough to deal with their emotions and get back to feeling like themselves again.

The greatest danger sign to be alert and aware of is by noticing any dramatic changes in behavior. If a child was always happy go lucky before the crisis event and now sits all day to watch video footage of the shooting, or other world disasters on the news channels- then you may want to figure out why they made such a dramatic shift in personality. Watch for other major changes in sleep patterns, school patterns, school performance, peer relations and so on. If you see major changes that concern you, it’s time to seek professional attention for the child with their pediatrician or with a child behavioral specialist

What are some ways to help our kids talk about the crisis?

You can reach out to children in many ways to help them deal with this stressful time. Talking, writing, drawing, or writing poetry about the experience with the disaster will make the time pass more quickly, and may even lighten someone else’s load of emotional pain and difficulty while helping you back through the process. Talking about any crisis event in life can help kids learn the basics of moving from the panic of basic survival to building strengths through problem solving.

Are there any “hidden dangers” in media that parents should be concerned about that might make the crisis worse?

Too much media exposure is dangerous for kids. It is better to get a media “news update” once or perhaps at the most, twice a day to avoid the danger of media over-exposure. Leaving the news on all the time will depress the mood of the person who hears it; since deep down inside we learn to go “numb” to the normal emotions of the stressful event, to press on and burn reserve energy in the process. If your child didn’t watch the morning news programs before the community crisis, be cautious about allowing them to watch TV news alone or having long blocks of unaccounted time with too much isolation. Best is to sort through media outlets-like television, Internet, radio or newspapers, which may contain content that is overly stressful or just too depressing for a child. Then set boundaries to protect them from additional stress in media stories, since it is important to protect their home and minds by managing the media around them.

It’s wise to move from negatives to positives in highly charged and difficult situations like a mass shooting or wide spread community disaster. We have all seen enough negative images to last a lifetime and yet the media will often play scenes from a disaster over again and again. Also, parents and kids can sit down and discuss why they really need to have so many media and entertainment services available in their homes. Many families found that not having the Internet, cable television and loud music playing in their homes while staying in a shelter allowed them to reconnect as a family with much greater communication. By sitting down and discussing these issues your home can be a more positive place, by creating more positive energy to manage the stress of recovering from this crisis situation.

Since watching other people’s problems in other parts of the country will cause more stress in an already stressful situation it’s better to focus on your responsibilities today, right here in your own community. When things in your life are strong again, you and your family won’t be as affected by the images of crisis from other places. But that’s another day, so for now as you recover, it’s better to focus on getting you and your kids though the day that you have been handed without making it harder because of the hidden stress of media overexposure.

Also, the same principles apply for the aged as for anyone else. Seniors often can spend a tremendous amount of time in front of negative media images which can be harmful to their well-being. Better to get involved in helping others, praying for those affected or donating to help as you can than to become overwhelmed with the stressors of others by becoming desensitized from media over-exposure.

How can I help my family get back to “normal” after a community disaster?

It may take weeks or months for people to feel that things are back to “normal.” The actual psychological impact of the storm will vary widely between people based on factors like- age, their previous experiences with crisis events and most significantly how much stress they already had in their life before the disaster. The more stress someone had in their life prior to the traumatic event, the longer it takes to recover.

Here are some immediate ways to bring order and calmness back into your life after the chaos and confusion that follows a natural disaster or community crisis like a mass shooting or terrorist bombing attack.

1) Reconnect in relationships

You can’t get through a crisis alone. Since we all were impacted differently, it is vitally important to talk about the stress and pressures you have experienced with the people closest to you. Reach out to friends and family as soon as possible, and call people you haven’t heard from in a while. Just checking in to see if they are okay will only take a few minutes, but it will empower and help both of you. Simply talk about what each of you experienced through the crisis and how you got through it. Tremendous connection can occur through crisis, so this is an especially good time to reach out to friends or family who may have drifted away from your closest circle of relationships. Take action now to reach out to people with words of encouragement and support, but don’t wait for someone else to call you- since their phone may not work! Go find them and then reconnect the relationship while helping each other rebuild.

2) Rebuild your routines

This is one of the most important factors to quickly get life back on track because we all draw strength and security from a structured daily routine. Bed time, dinner time, getting up to go to school, or work, or church or the gym to work out. To regain strength quickly identify what your normal routines were before the crisis-and then get back to them as soon as possible. Even if you are staying in a hotel, shelter or with family members for a while, stick with the rituals that you have typically followed that make up your daily lifestyle. This way you will feel the comfort of your stable and predictable routines, regardless of the stress of the many changes happening around you.

3) Reach out for faith

In times of crisis everyone believes in the power of prayer and the importance of their faith. There is tremendous strength in knowing what you believe and living in harmony with those beliefs and values. Plugging back into your faith after a community crisis will allow you to release anxiety over the things that you know are too big for you, because you can trust God to handle them. Dedicate a few minutes or perhaps even an hour per day to quiet mediation and reflection on what matters most if you want to continue to grow strong in spite of the crisis.

This is especially important when you or your children may feel lost, alone or afraid. God cares and taking time to pray and release those burdens will help you make it through the rest of your day. Many churches and houses of faith have chaplains, recovery teams, support services and even financial assistance available to help their members cope with the crisis. Helping others in need is one of the greatest ways people of faith model what they believe, so avoid the tendency of being “too nice” to ask for help if you need it. Having a committed personal faith combined with the connection of a local house of worship will give you a tremendous sense of community to get through this crisis as well as the ones to come.

4) Retell your story

Young and old alike will benefit from hearing about how other people survived the trauma they experienced. There is tremendous power in telling your story; healing power for you and helpful power for others who will gain insight and strength by hearing how creative people can become through the crisis. As you speak up about what happened, it will make it easier for other family members or coworkers to talk about their feelings of loss as well. Things will never be the same as before, but life will go on and we can rebuild and get through it better together. Telling your story now will give you additional strength as well as connect you to the neighbors and friends as they share their story with you.

No matter what the size of crisis event, you can find strength on the other side. Following the action steps in this resource guide will allow you to begin building strength back into your personal and professional life no matter how big the crisis event was. As you grow stronger you can tell others, which will encourage them to press on as they rebuild their lives, right next to yours. Stronger people create stronger communities and that is the journey you have already begun. I encourage you to stay with it as you build an even stronger life after the crisis, and then reach out to others in rebuilding your community.


Reprint Permission– If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. 

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Read more Crisis Recovery resources at his website www.LifeworksGroup.org


Baked Cheese Grits by 4 Rivers Smokehouse

Tip: Add the salt and pepper before boiling to allow the grit to absorb the flavor. For creamer grits, substitute ¼ of the boiling liquid with cream or half and half.

Serves 10 to 12

  • 4 cups Chicken broth
  • 1 teaspoon Coarse salt
  • 1 teaspoon Black pepper
  • 1 cup Yellow stone ground grits (suggestion: Anson Mills)
  • ½ cup Cheddar cheese
  • 4 ounces (6 slices) Velveeta cheese
  • 2 Tablespoons butter
  • ½ teaspoon Garlic powder
  • 2 Large eggs
  • ¼ cup Milk


1.      Preheat oven to 325˚F.

2.      Bring chicken broth, salt and pepper to a boil in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat.

3.      Stir in grits, reduce heat to simmer, cover pan and cook 15 minutes, or until broth is absorbed, whisking occasionally. Remove from heat.

4.      Add Cheddar, Velveeta®, butter, and garlic powder, stirring until cheeses are melted. Set aside.

5.      Beat eggs lightly in a small bowl. Whisk a small amount of eggs into hot grits, mixing well. Gradually whisk remaining eggs into grits whisking continuously. Whisk in milk.

6.      Pour into greased 8-inch-square baking dish. Bake 30 minutes. Let stand at least 20 minutes before serving.


To serve in a specific shape, cover and refrigerate until cooled. Cut in desired shape in pan and warm in oven on low heat before serving.


If You Feel Lonely Without a Card or Candy Does It Mean You Aren’t Loved?

By Dwight Bain

It’s the worst day of the year for millions. No, I’m not talking about April 15thwhen Income Taxes are due–I’m referring to Valentine’s Day. Turns out this ‘romantic’ holiday has become one of the loneliest and least popular holidays according to the National Retail Federation. Here’s how American’s listed out their preferences for special days–

93% –              Christmas/Hanukkah

87.8% –           July 4th

83% –              Mother’s Day

82% –              Easter

77% –              Father’s Day

60% –              Valentine’s Day

54.2% –           St. Patrick’s Day

With all the promotions on TV you might think Valentines is more about money than it is about love since the aaverage guy will spend $169 on jewelry, clothes, perfume, flowers or dining out… (twice as much as women will spend according to the National Retail Federation). The Greeting Card Association reports that people will send about 150 million cards to show their love, in all American’s will spend $17.6 billion dollars this year. So with the average person spending $4.52 on Valentine’s gifts for their pets, or the people who skip the love to go ahead and buy themselves the gift they want, is this day even about romance at all?

Valentines Day has some interesting expectations associated with it since there is a cultural tendency to believe a person who doesn’t get cards and candy aren’t really loved, just lonely… and nothing could be further from the truth.  In case you are feeling that way today, let me give you a little perspective.

Saint Valentine’s Day began as a liturgical celebration to honor an early Christian leader named Valentinus who was a martyred for his faith in Christ. Before he was killed he wrote notes to encourage others to stay strong in their faith. Quite a stretch from a heart shaped Hallmark card with a cute puppy on the cover. The wonderful tradition of writing a “Valentine” note to honor his sacrifice has turned into just another commercial holiday.

I believe the cultural expectation of getting romantic stuff, (like a gift card to Outback), from the person you want to receive it from will do nothing but set you up for crushing disappointment since there are 365 days a year to show love, and when someone ignores their partner for 364 days, 1 day won’t make up for it. It can’t. Yet too many people feel lost, lonely, rejected and hurt because of shattered expectations about how they weren’t loved and appreciated by that special someone they wanted to love them, the way they wanted to be loved…. see how confusing and convoluted that is?


However, when you move from the cultural model of getting; over to the Christian model of giving to others, expecting nothing in return for your kindness; then you are moving forward in the path of one who would rather die than to give up his faith. That kind of self-less love is a real reason to celebrate. So turns out it’s not about the chocolate after all.



About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
Reprint Permission– If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. “Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2013), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeworksGroup.org


John Rivers’ Red Velvet Cake Recipe

Red Velvet Cake

3.75c all purpose flour
3c sugar
4.5T cocoa powder
1.5t baking soda
1.5t salt
3 large eggs
2.25c margarine, melted
1.5c buttermilk
1.5t vanilla extract
.25c + 2T red food coloring

  • Whisk together the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt in a bowl.
  • In a separate bowl mix eggs, margarine, buttermilk, vanilla and red coloring.
  • In a mixer using the whisk attachment slowly pour the wet mixture into the flour mixture. Once incorporated mix on high for 30 seconds.
  • Divide into 3 greased 9″ pans and bake on 350 for 26 minutes.



Cream Cheese Frosting

16oz cream cheese, softened
2lbs Confectioner Sugar


• Beat cream cheese until smooth and completely softened, no lumps.

• With the mixer on low slowly add the sugar until completely incorporated.

• Mix on high 2 minutes, stopping once to scrape the bowl.


2013 is Your Year of Change

By Dwight Bain


Major change is almost impossible to manage alone, that’s why it is wise to seek guidance during times of massive change. Taking the right action quickly can prevent a stressful situation from getting worse and in fact may turn into unexpected success.  I’ve had the chance to come alongside thousands of people over the last 30 years to coach them through major life transitions in their personal and professional life and have learned something new about change every day. Remember, since resolutions don’t work this is about changing your mind set on priorities. If you try to change everything, you will end up changing nothing. Are you ready to really experience positive change? Then read on!

While every difficult situation was complex in different ways, I discovered some common elements of a remarkable, although often, hidden source of energy that only became available during times of massive change. When used, this secret power gave these leaders the ability to achieve results instead of experiencing regrets while facing unbelievable levels of stress and pressure. My greatest joy was to coach them from pressure and problems to move forward with boldness by facing the changes necessary to gain personal strength and confidence.

Start by identifying the areas of life that need to change. Use this scale from my book “Destination Success” as a guide to get you started toward identifying the areas of life that need to improve.



Now let’s get honest!  Take an intense look at your life, and score yourself using the following scale from 1-10 to evaluate how successful you believe you are in the major areas of life.


1= Panic                                            6= High Moderate

2= Extremely Weak                          7= Low Strength

3= Weak                                            8= Strength

4= Low Moderate                             9= High Strength

5= Moderate                                      10= Peak


 Physical Health-

 Emotional Health-

 Spiritual Health-

 Financial Stability-

 Career & Professional-

 Social Support-

 Closest Relationships-

 Time & Schedule-

 Learning & Personal Growth-

 Recreation & Fun-



SUCCESS IN LIFE SCALE SCORE =                                                           

10-25   =  CRISIS LIVING LEVEL                 25-50   =  UNHEALTHY LIVING LEVEL

50-75   =  HEALTHY LIVING LEVEL             75-100 =  OPTIMAL LIVING LEVEL


Every change brings a chance to self-improve and develop in countless ways, that’s why I’m sharing these insights with you now.  I want you to benefit from the hidden power of change in your life every single day.  As you read these insights, think about your own situation and the changes you are facing right now, as well as the changes you need to make over the next few months in order to achieve greater success.

Plan on using a highlighter to underline or circle the insights that reveal a part of you that is sick of feeling stuck in the same old pattern and is ready for a new perspective on change.  Then take those highlighted concepts and begin to reshape them into action steps that you can use for guidance and motivation in your own journey of harnessing the hidden power of change.

  • Change is common.  Taking positive action about it is rare.
  • Change is the most common element in life, just like the atom, which is the most common element in the universe.  It’s everywhere and in everything but only a few studied it to understand how to harness the power of splitting an atom to develop massive amounts of energy- the energy of the universe itself!  This common element had within it the power to develop – or – destroy the world.  It’s the same for you and me, since the way that we deal with change will make our world a better place or lead to destroying it.
  • Every little change makes big change possible.  That’s why you have to do little things differently every day to see big things change over time.
  • Everyone is moving forward but not everyone is on the same track. That’s why some people always look busy but never seem to accomplish much.
  • Since change is the most common factor in life why do so many people fear it? They realize that they can’t completely control it so they completely give up. When you learn to manage change instead of avoid it, you regain control of yourself and then have the power to change the situation.
  • Change is the most basic element of life however; it is so common that it is often overlooked.  That’s why most people dismiss change as another misery in life to manage around.  Leaders who learn to boldly confront change and take steps to master it find amazing focus and meaning.
  • Change creates energy. It can either “psych you up” with heightened motivation to take action, or “psych you out” with fear and anxiety. Leaders maximize this hidden power of change to gain strength in difficult times.
  • When a leader awakens to see how fast change actually moves, they gain the ability to zoom past others like they were asleep.  At first this is exciting and fun to have the ability to move so fast; then it becomes increasingly frustrating. Because the goal of a leader is to use the power of change to wake others up instead of just selfishly using that power to manipulate others.
  • Crisis reveals who you are- what you do about the crisis reveals who you will be.
  • Comfort doesn’t bring change, comfort brings complacency.  Only two things bring about radical and dynamic change- crisis and choice.  One requires courage to boldly face issues and the other requires confidence to take bold action.
  • Life is changing at lightning speed. Change with it at lightning speed and you will find amazing success; wait for it and you’ll be left in the dust of those who took a chance and moved to a new level of success.
  • Leaders who say, “let’s wait and see” are really saying, “I’m too weak to express my opinion,” since “wait and see” usually means “wait and sink.”
  • Systems are the key to success or failure in life; change the system- and you change your life!
  • Big change creates a chance to build big confidence from taking bold action; instead of just building more complacency by choosing avoidance.
  • Change is the only method you can use to cash a reality check.
  • Understanding change is the key to building a good life- mastering change is the key to building a great legacy.
  • How well you respond to change is the best indicator of how successfully you will live.
  • If everything is changing, then you have a tremendous advantage if you are changing with it, since the gap between the changers and non-changers is growing every minute.
  • People who master change will always be in demand as leaders, because as they grow stronger, people around them who haven’t changed will need their guidance more than ever. This gap between the ‘have’s’ and the ‘have not’s will grow dramatically in the future.
  • Since everything is changing faster than ever, how come everyone isn’t changing faster than ever to keep up?
  • Change forces you to make quick choices; so figure out now what you believe is right in order to make the right choice when it happens. You can’t wait on this, so do it now.
  • Fast and furious, slow and steady or ignorance and bliss are all ways to manage change. Since the way you manage change is the way you manage your life, if you want to figure out how successful someone will be in the future, just watch how they deal with change today.
  • Excuses are ways to avoid taking responsibility-which leads to criticism of others; reasons are ways to accept responsibility and lead to changing yourself instead of trying to change others.
  • We build our future one day at a time by how wisely we manage the change happening around us today.
  • Fame doesn’t equal fortune, which is why so many celebrities end up broke.  They banked their futures on the myth that popularity brings profits instead of reinventing themselves through the process of continual self-improvement and change.
  • Some people would rather keep the people in their life under control by never risking a change, than to push forward and hear those same people boldly cheer for them as they take the risk to move forward toward achieving a positive difference.
  • You control change by the way you control your choices.  You have the power to break the patterns that have held you back, and that power is wrapped up in one word, “choice.”
  • Everything in life is changing quickly so everyone in life has to be changing fast to keep up, or risk being run over and left behind. Few will change fast, and those few will be the leaders.
  • Change can lead to a crisis, which is stressful; or to a choice, which is also stressful; and staying the same creates the highest levels of stress! When you risk taking control of the changes around you, stress goes down as your strength and confidence goes up. Good trade.
  • Most people run from change, leaders run toward it.  They know that the courage required to run toward change is the down payment for the success they will experience on the other side of it.
  • The difference between a challenge or crisis is based on your perspective of the problem, the resources available to you and most importantly how well you respond to change.
  • The old saying “only the strong survive” is true- and real strength comes from facing the crisis instead of figuring out who to blame.
  • Change reveals your weak spots that needed attention anyway; you just weren’t aware of it.  This is the greatest secret of change- pressure points the way to personal growth.
  • The size of the change shows the size of the problem that you have to deal with and the size of the team needed to manage it.  Big change can’t be mastered by one person; and was never designed to be handled alone.  That’s why you have to ask for help when things are changing rapidly instead of slipping into silence.
  • An unexpected change feels like an explosion inside-it’s stressful, scary and stretches you in ways you didn’t anticipate.  The end result of this process is strength as you stick with it.
  • Life is about change and change is stressful.  How you deal with the stress will make you better or it will continue to build until you have to deal with it anyway.  There is no strength without overcoming significant amounts of stress.
  • Mr. Goodwrench is right-you gotta pay.  Paying now is difficult, waiting to pay later is usually disastrous because the price is always much greater. Paying now is the only way to successfully manage change.
  • Surrender is the key to solve the anxiety of change, so learn to flow with change instead of fleeing from it or trying to fight it.  Change your mind set about this process and you will just about eliminate worry and anxiety from your life.
  • Since you cannot grow without changing- learn to master the change process early in life in order to achieve early success.
  • The process of life is changing incredibly fast, and that’s stressful, but if you press through the stress, you will always gain strength and success.
  • Move from frustration to fulfillment by changing your mindset about making the right choice in a difficult situation.
  • Life is about change and change is stressful, as you press through the stress you will become strong.
  • Every change involves a risk and the greater the change, the greater the risk.  But great rewards require bold action, so take the risk to change and you will be boldly rewarded.
  • Making a positive change in your life today is going to be painful, but the long term payoff is powerful.
  • Avoiding change doesn’t make it go away, it makes it grow bigger and you still have to deal with it, so tackle it now, while it’s small enough to manage.
  • Be direct with change and you will take charge of your life.
  • Change often forces you to face the things that you probably needed to face anyway.
  • Change will test you. How you react to the change determines if you pass to go to the next level of growth, which will require more change!
  • Every change involves a choice-face it and grow-or avoid it and get stuck.  This is your chance to choke up or buck up!
  • Change is hard, but not changing is always harder.
  • If you face change you have a chance of making a difference.  If you don’t face it you never will, and will likely let life pass you by.
  • You can’t control change, but you can control your reaction to it.
  • Change involves the cycle of fighting for control, feeling like you are losing control, surrendering control and making the choice to allow God full control your life.
  • Change cycle: Life = change = stress = strength = success; so as you master stress the successes come faster and more frequently.
  • Every change tests what you believe.  If you wiggle out of facing the test today, it just comes back bigger next time so face the change, take the test and show the world what you believe.
  • When change happens you have a choice- manage it and grow stronger, or avoid it and grow weaker.
  • Reacting to change wisely improves every part of your life-reacting foolishly destroys your life. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer all based on what they do with change.
  • Change is temporary and usually comes from unexpected circumstances. Confidence is lasting and usually comes from strategically planned choices.
  • Crisis forces change which is good for everyone but never really appreciated by anyone.
  • Changing your spouse is impossible-changing your situation is possible and changing yourself gives you the strength to say “I’m-possible”. Everything is different when you make the decision to change.
  • When you stop spending your energy trying to change the people in your life who don’t want to change, you discover a hidden source of power for personal change in your own life.
  • Stop trying to change!  Decide to either do it or not do it, but quit telling yourself and others that you are trying.  When you’re trying-you’re lying.
  • Some people spend all their time trying to change others because they fear changing themselves.  However, when you overcome that fear and change yourself it forces the people around you to change as well.
  • When you make a dramatic change, it forces the people around you to make a dramatic change as well.  They have to change along with you, or they must leave- either way the relationship is never the same.
  • Unexpected change will happen- so get ready now to manage it when it comes; which will always be sooner than later.
  • You can try to escape change or you can equip and get ready to face it, either way you have to make a choice about dealing with change.
  • Changing yourself is hard work, because you have to make right choices in the face of possible rejection and failure.  Not changing yourself only brings a greater chance for even greater rejection and failure.
  • Change what you can, (like exercising to lose weight), instead of what you can’t (like trying to stretch yourself taller to hide the weight by shifting it around or buying magic ‘fat burner’ pills).  That’s why you can grow stronger with the power of personal change in spite of any obstacle or setback.  Remember- you always have options.
  • When you make a bold choice to change, it brings an immediate sense of confidence, control & energy.  The decision to change gives you a huge boost in mental power and strength to overcome obstacles.
  • If you avoid making the choice to change, you get confusion which leads to chaos. When you take bold action and choose to change you get confidence which leads to success.
  • Change yourself or change the system.  People like to discuss or criticize the system, because it feels safer than taking the courage to risk something new and in the process change themselves.
  • Control change now, or it will be controlling you later.
  • When you avoid making a relationship change in order to avoid relationship conflict, you guarantee that there will be more conflict than you ever dreamed possible.  Better to deal with the changes now on your terms and with your time frame, than let it build up into a power struggle full of conflict that always explodes when you least expect it.
  • When someone brings the “worst” out of you in a relationship, let the experience challenge your weakest points to change.  Don’t let their personality problems get in the way of your progress and growth.  Grow before you go.
  • If you want to experience dramatic change in your life it can only come from improving every day.  There are no instant plans for maturity.
  • The things you control, are the things that you can immediately change-   if you have the courage to face them and take action!
  • Most people know what needs to change in their life- they just lack the courage to boldly face it and do something about it.
  • It’s easier live in fear than to find the courage of Todd Beamer who empowered a nation to change when he faced the 9/11 terrorists with the words “Let’s Roll”.
  • Whoever said, “If present trends continue” didn’t understand change. That’s why you can’t look back at trends and accurately predict the future, it changes too fast.  Learn from the past, study where you are today and get ready for the new trends ahead.  As John Maxwell says, “Yesterday ended last night.”
  • Trust is everything & everything builds trust or it builds distrust.  That’s why every relationship is getting stronger or weaker every day based on the choices you make today.  You always control your side of relationships, both personally and professionally.  Change your side of the situation before you criticize the other side; that way your integrity and self-respect continues to grow strong, in spite of the difficulty or problems.
  • Trust takes a long time to build, a short time to lose, and then a long time to build.  So whichever way you turn, you have to be building trust.
  • Facing change has always been the fastest way to achieve greatness in life. That’s why we remember the names of Edison, Ford, Carnegie or Disney instead of equally talented people living during the same era who were afraid to take the chance to make a change.
  • This is your time to change!

So, what insights have you gained from this quick study of the subject of change, and more importantly, what are you going to do about it …today? Now?

I’ve studied what people say when they are facing the end of their life, and noticed that they find their greatest satisfaction from areas they took the positive action to change.  Relationships that grew strong, houses or businesses they built, financial security they achieved and then wisely invested, health and happiness from doing something different to leave a positive legacy.  Those were the things that people smiled about as they faced eighty years’ worth of life.

What about you?  Have you thought about the value of making positive changes over a lifetime?  If you begin today to move forward and face your problems with the hidden power of change, it will get you off the road of complacency and comfort and move you toward a better life.  A life that will be scary at first, but leads to counting blessings instead of problems because you had enough courage to risk moving forward to face and deal with change; instead of staying stuck and being destroyed by it.

I challenge you to begin that process today as if your life depended on it, because it does!  Real life is lost when you try to avoid dealing with change, that’s why some people have the same problems at fifty-five that they did at twenty-five.  They just got older on the outside instead of growing up on the inside.  When they say they have had a problem for ‘their whole life’ it’s a lie! Life isn’t over yet, so you can’t have a problem every day of life- unless you are dead!

This is your time to break away from the crowd, take a risk and move toward change.  Even taking one step is a change from the way you used to live, so take it! Take it and know that when you do, the right people will come along side you to help; after you make the first move toward change- never before.  You see, God is always on time with the people, ideas, capital or whatever resource you need to change, but He always waits on us to take the first step.  That may explain why Jesus would always ask the sick people he was about to heal one simple question.  “What would you have me to do for you?”  He asked before He healed.

Now it’s your turn to experience the supernatural power of change.  What do you want to change?  What prayer do you want answered so badly that you can taste it?  What area of life is about to explode with growth and potential in your life?  There is a tremendous power in change but it waits on you.

Success in your life is always waiting on you and you alone.  Are you ready?  I believe this is your time, that’s why you have read this far as you considered making a positive change in your own life.  However, there is no power in a coach telling you to change, because the power is in your movement and your action.  Change is waiting on you, because when you believe enough to take the first step, the power will grow inside of you to take the next one.  Change grows with every positive action you take, as does your personal power.

Here’s a warning for you though.  It will be a lot harder than you think when you begin to honestly face the weaknesses that are crying out for change in your life, both personally and professionally.  Not only will it be painful to do this, but you can’t do it alone so you will need to take action to involve other healthy people   .  Go find a coach, counselor, mentor, book, tape, CD, seminar, or even a fellow struggler who is motivated enough to risk making a change and ask them to come alongside you in the journey of changing instead of complaining.

Here’s another warning!  Know that some will come against you to criticize your progress, because your growth makes them feel uncomfortable and it exposes the weaknesses in their life that they need to take action on.  They may attack you, your motives, your character, and especially your dreams of a better life. The bigger the change you make, the more they may come against you!  Don’t stop my friend, Press on anyway.

Sadly, this will especially be true for those who are the closest to you.  Be ready for their attacks, since it’s not really about you, it’s about the discomfort they feel about making change in their life.  Don’t slow down- don’t stop…just keep growing and changing and pray for them to do the same, since the momentum from your positive growth might challenge them to do the same.  God wants them to change too, that’s why He sent you to lead the way.  So don’t wait on them, just keep growing every day as you draw from the hidden power of change.

As you take this positive action in your life, be prepared for one more surprising thing. Everyone around you, including total strangers, will begin to praise you in amazement because of how quickly and powerfully your life has become one of strength and significance.  Everyone will be surprised at your progress except God, who designed you for greatness a long time ago. It was inside you the whole time! Your difficult life experiences opened up your mind to the new possibilities that are only available from the hidden power of change.


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About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He partners with the media and organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 500 complimentary articles and special reports atwww.LifeWorksGroup.org