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Today’s Positive Thoughts

Give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.
Psalm 107:31 NIV

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 NIV

Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
Hebrews10:24 NIV

Heard on Z88.3 Mornings

Friday, April 26

 

The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.
Psalm 145:8

 

Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles.
Isaiah 40:31

 

If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31B

 

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
James 3:17

Today’s Positive Thoughts

Thursday, January 21

Though we may stumble, we will not fall, for the Lord upholds us with his hand.
Psalm 37:24

When you’re in over your head, God will be there with you.
Isaiah 43:2

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Colossians 3:2 NIV

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

Suffering Alone from COVID-19 Stress?

Acceptance may be the solution

“Unprecedented” is how many describe COVID-19 because our culture has nothing to compare with the devastating levels of fear and change. The coronavirus crisis is different from other community crisis events like hurricanes, economic recessions, or mass shootings like the Pulse massacre because it just goes on and on.

This prolonged exposure to uncertainty, fears of being laid-off, coupled with trying to home school while working from home or searching for toilet paper and hand sanitizer
can be mentally numbing. Not to mention the very real risk of a disease described by Surgeon General Jerome Adams as “ten times more contagious than the flu.” The traumatic stress of coronavirus and the extended lock down can be emotionally overwhelming to many,
especially the aged, children and those over-exposed to negative media. This pandemic has been one of the most stressful experiences many Americans have experienced, yet one of the greatest risks beyond contracting coronavirus are the huge spikes in emotional and mental pressures building during the shut-down. Consider if any of these COVID stress symptoms apply:

• Panic about the future
• Career anxiety about employment
• Insurance loss if laid off and the possibility of no
healthcare for your family
• Financial ruin from mounting debts
• Impulsive actions after weeks of lock down
• Crushing loneliness from social isolation
• Painful grief over no school graduations, family
birthdays or vacations together
• Missed connections with friends, coworkers, and
aging family members
• Feeling helpless and hopeless about the future
• Physical exhaustion and mental depletion

The coronavirus redefined reality as ‘normal’ died on March 11. That is the date the World Health Organization declared a global pandemic called Covid-19. There will be no ‘new normal’, after that date – only a new reality. Normal is over forever. Why such a gloomy prediction? It is based on how this extended global crisis has been overwhelming with stock markets crashing, entire industries like tourism and travel ceasing, never ending information and sad stories about the risk of disease compounded by confusing choices to make on complex financial issues like student loans, mortgages, health insurance and credit card debt. If these challenges were not enough, frustrated people are shouting their opinions and fears at you through every form of social media.

The Sky is not Falling

Have you noticed how many conspiracy theories have popped up? It’s like the children’s story of Chicken Little screaming “the sky is falling” when he didn’t have the full picture that was not the case. Crisis brings fear out of some people and the worst out of others. When things do not make sense, some people shift to blaming or attacking to feel in control of their situation by attempting to explain what is happening. Bad information is better than no information they reason. Rumors abound right now about coronavirus being caused by 5G electromagnetic radiation, Big Pharma, or Bill Gates, (who gave a Ted talk about pandemics in 2015), another is the virus was created in a lab as a biological weapon to destroy the economy. One of the wildest conspiracies is Covid -19 does not even exist – that it is only a rumor being used by government to take away individual freedoms. By the time you read this someone will have posted more rumors and wild conspiracies- make the decision now not to believe it. Mostly because it will not make you feel better and will only take energy away from your primary goal in a major crisis. Staying safe and keeping your family safe.

Believe facts about COVID-19, not rumors. For trusted information to keep your family physically and medically safe visit: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-
ncov/about/prevention-treatment.html

 

Crisis comes in like a tsunami

Think of the pandemic as a monster sized wave of emotion. A literal tsunami of fear, doubt,
confusion, chaos, and change. The wave is coming fast – so what to do? No matter how fast
you try to escape it – waves of painful emotions will catch you and try to pull you down. How to not drown in this dangerous current of fear? Breathe. Stop thinking about all the fears and doubts and confusion of the past or future to think about flowing with the challenges of  today only. Give up on fighting the surge of everything happening and changing at once. COVID-19 will end. This pandemic will be over one day. Scientists will find a vaccine and life will go on. The danger for many people now is getting caught in the ‘rip current’ of emotions and being sucked down in the process. No one was completely prepared for the emotional upheaval of a global pandemic. Not everyone was infected, but everyone was impacted. Young and old will feel a surge of emotions once the lock down is over and they can gradually go back to previous routines like shopping, eating out or going to church. The emotional pressure will impact people differently. Some will race to theme parks and beaches as if they were inmates being set free from prison. Others will be more cautious, perhaps even afraid to go outdoors even after Governor DeSantis says it is safe to do so. The surge of depressing emotions may keep them inside for some time to come. Fear can be immobilizing. Those feelings of distress can be dangerous and may come out in several ways.

Common reactions to covid-19 stress

1. Anxiety – Which is the most common psychological reaction to a major crisis like this pandemic. These are uncertain times as governments, schools, stock markets, businesses and travel have temporarily ended. It is normal to be concerned about the unknown and
equally normal to want to feel back in control. To ignore dangerous situations is unhealthy since having a degree of fear will keep you safe, (think of trying to cross a busy street at a crosswalk – you continually look both ways to not be hit by a car).  Continual exposure to fear can lead to worry and the inability to stop thinking about a worst-case scenario
instead of thinking creatively to solve stress. Moving from fearful thinking to finding healthy alternatives to boost emotional energy can be sparked with something as simple as a deep breath. “Breathe in faith – breathe out fear” is a trusted process to accomplish that goal. Finding creative ways to release the anxiety is a better use of emotional energy and will lead to a positive outcome.

2. Anger – Which can lead to violence and impulsive decisions. People who feel violated by the covid-19 lock down or being laid off often turn to dumping volcanic levels of anger to find relief for the pressure they feel inside. This can lead to devastating decisions, abuse of the people they say they love, impulsive fits of rage or using the wrong words in front of their boss and losing a job during a recession. This can happen in men or women, young or
old, as evidenced by the spike in 911 telephone calls to respond to domestic violence during the COVID lock down. Anger tends to blow up fast and then blow out just as fast like a blast of hostility. Remember, a simmering pot will always boil over, so moody, and frustrated people need to be encouraged to find healthy outlets as to not hurt themselves or others. Quiet brooding anger is still anger and finding a healthy outlet through journaling or exercise is a better choice to stay mentally healthy without hurting others.

3. Apathy – This is a more dangerous reaction since it can flow from feelings of distress to the early stages of depression or despair. Stuffing emotions inside is like burying them alive and they just keep building up, yet instead of blowing up and out, these people tend to blow all the pressures in. They may act like a “Superman” who feels no pain, when in reality they have a “Kryptonite” of failures and fears tucked inside.  They may attack themselves as ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ for not buying enough toilet paper, or not seeing how coronavirus would change our world.

 

Weeks of caregiving of kids, pets or elderly family can lead a person to feel emotionally numb. This can cause some individuals to commit a series of very quiet, yet very harmful self-destructive acts.  Eating for comfort, drinking to numb the pain, addictions like gambling or pornography, or high-risk behavior like hooking up with the wrong partner to escape and ignore their uncertain future. It is hard to face the changes in our country, but ignoring finances, refusing to answer the phone, closing the mini-blinds and checking out like a hermit hiding in a dark cave will not make the realities of COVID-19 go away. Do the opposite to battle emotional numbness. Check your bank and credit card statements. Face creditors and reach back to friends texting or calling to check-in. You did not cause the crisis, but you can make the situation better by facing it.

What is the strongest choice to shatter COVID stress?

Acceptance-COVID-19 is here, and you cannot escape. Our world is in the midst of a global health crisis and you must accept that to move forward with courage about whatever the future holds. You cannot change the reality of a pandemic, but you do not have to freak yourself out with speculative fears about a future apocalypse, which only makes things worse. Life will go on and your world will continue. Learn from those who survived global crisis events like World War Two or the Great Depression. They faced the difficulty directly and found a way forward. You can too. Take a breath and think about peace instead of panic. Trust that others have faced impossible situations and found resilience and strength. Ignore the doomsayers and you will immediately find a deeper level of peace. What happens on Wall Street isn’t as important as what happens on your street. You cannot control what happens in a global pandemic, but you can practice healthy self-care to build mental wellness and strength despite the stress. Taking care of you and your part of the world is a good place to start in moving forward. Remember the words of the serenity prayer that carries millions of people forward every day, “God grand me the serenity to accept the things
that I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.”

Let this journey through a pandemic be one of a growing sense of perspective. Waves, even giant ones will pass. There will be school next year. Thanksgiving will still be at the end of November and you still will not like your aunt’s fruitcake. Baseball will be back, along with football, basketball, golf, NASCAR, and love bugs. When the dust of a major crisis settles your life will usually be about as good as you choose to make it.  You can breathe and face the new reality, or you can stay scared. Empowerment, mental strength, and resiliency grow when you face your fears directly. This approach takes the power to control your moods away from an invisible virus so you can build a better life for you, your kids and family without losing sleep or energy. You become bigger than your fears when you confront covid-19 stress with acceptance, peace, and courage. That is the great hope of the serenity prayer. Not that your circumstances changed, rather that you did.

 

Dwight Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor who writes on managing crisis to create positive change. He lives in Orlando with his wife, two kids and four cats. Follow him across all social media @DwightBain

Virus fears may be more dangerous than the Virus

You can’t stop global fear of a pandemic – but you can boost your immunity with proven psychological strategy

COVID-19 is being tracked globally and in over half of states, with the highest concentration in New York, Washington, Arizona, California, Florida, Illinois, Massachusetts, Oregon, Rhode Island, Oregon and Wisconsin. Over 1300 people have been diagnosed with the disease in the United States, and over thirty have died. (as of this writing).

People are talking constantly about this virus and if “Disease X” will be a global pandemic killing millions of people like the Spanish Flu which killed 50 million over 100 years ago. It’s on the news continually and in daily conversations at work, school, church, social media and with neighbors. Travel bans are in place, major conferences, concerts and events shut down, school are closing, the NBA canceled their season, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are in quarantine with the disease. Disneyland, California Adventure and Walt Disney world are closed. What next? A viral disease has gone viral, and not in a good way.

Thankfully there are proven safety steps to protect you and your family physically, (outlined from www.CDC.govbelow), but to aggressively stop the virus start with the psychological.

Stress will shatter your immunity system.

Stop talking only about the illness and stop living in constant fear. It is a real disease, it is a dangerous disease, but it is made worse with worry.  The more you stress the weaker your body becomes and the greater risk you are. America’s best-known psychiatrist, Dr. Daniel Amen says, “Freaking out about a potential pandemic raises stress levels, which actually hurts your immune system and makes you more vulnerable to infections.”

Want to supercharge your immunity system? Focus on positivity over fear. The more you laugh, the more you meditate on scripture, the more you practice diaphragmatic breathing, the more you pray – the stronger your immunity grows.   Breathe. Trust. Believe. That’s how to increase faith over fear.

Dr. Mehmet Oz was asked how to address chronic fears about this global disease on NBC’s Today show. His advice was practical. “Practice good sleep hygiene, exercise and try to mediate. Meditation can help to reduce stress on your immune system. Consider adding vitamin D, C, zinc and elderberry supplements, as well as loading up on healthy fruits and vegetables. Easy to do in my matcha green tea smoothie,” (his recipes are available at www.today.com)  He also noted he has been frequently asked by people whether they should avoid going out in public due to the corona virus, and he urged people toward common sense.

 

“Live your life,” he said. “Do not live your life with fear. Live it with joy and kindness.”

 

Should you panic?

“No”, says US Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams, listen to his words of caution, – “I want folks to understand that we knew this was coming, we told folks that this was going to happen and it is why we’ve been preaching preparedness from the very start.  Caution is appropriate. Preparedness is appropriate. Panic is not.”

To run to CVS or Walgreens to stock up on face masks won’t help either according to CDC.gov, the nation’s web site for all thing’s health related. Dr. Jerome Adams even posted on @Twitter “Stop buying masks. They could actually increase your coronaries risk”.

So what will help you or your loved ones?

 

Talk. Talk about wellness instead of illness.

 

Talk about how to face cold and flu season with a fact-based approach, instead of operating out of fear. Talk about how every single day matters, and how to make every single day count by practicing good physical and mental health. Talk about your love for one another and how you will care for one another no matter what happens. Talk about family and faith and love and laughter – not fear. Fear weakens. Faith builds.

 

Talk in healing community, since immunity is boosted through community. Let me say that again. Immunity is boosted through community – small groups of safe people who can talk about anything have stronger immunity systems and experience greater meaning in life. (see fascinating research on how being involved in a healthy community can strengthen your immunity system and prolong your life in Harvard researcher Robert Putnam’s book, “Bowling Alone).

 

There are five categories of health and wellness. These are the elements that keep our human body protected by a magnificent immunity system and flowing with health. Combined, these categories can keep you and your loved ones safe from disease as you practice the basics of physical health for strength including sleep, nutrition, hydration, exercise, hygiene and deep breathing.

 

Breathing in while counting blessings is a good way to eliminate the fear of a virus. Physical wellness then adding positive coping skills in the other areas that boost immunity – emotional, relational, behavioral and spiritual.

 

Once you feel empowered and strong you can go ‘viral’ by sharing with everyone you know on how to achieve mental wellness and psychological strength. Shift from living in fear to living in faith by living a life of inner strength. Meditate on the ancient scripture which carried millions of people through the Spanish Flu a hundred years ago, “Whenever I am afraid I will trust in you.”  (Psalm 56:3)

 

Breathe in faith – exhale fear.

Breathe in blessings – exhale panic.

Breathe in wellness for you and those you love with these proven measures to boost immunity, then as an act of kindness to others trapped in fear, simply pass it on.

 

Supercharge your Health and Wellness!

Physical:

  • Sleep, (7-9 hours)
  • Sleep rituals- Same time to wake up and go to bed
  • Predictable daily schedule
  • Healthy Diet with Regular mealtimes
  • Hydration throughout day
  • Nutritional supplements
  • Low impact exercise
  • Yoga/Pilates/Stretching
  • Deep breathing
  • Relaxation routines/massage or energizing naps
  • Regular physical checkups, including blood work
  • Medication, (as prescribed by your physician)

 

Emotional:

  • Esteem building exercises, especially with photos or images
  • Laughter/Fun/Playtime
  • Face anger, anxiety and apathy directly
  • Journal out negative emotions
  • Let go of painful memories
  • Say “NO” to bad habits
  • Talk through issues to get through issues
  • Identify and process hurtful emotions
  • Write letters to vent out disappointment, (then tear them up)

 

Relational:

  • Face relationship issues
  • Voice your needs to others
  • Confront conflict directly
  • Connect with friends/family
  • Share your burdens with others
  • Join a support group
  • Utilize counseling supports
  • Join a hobby group which involves others
  • Say “NO” to manipulative behavior
  • Hugs/affection, (from pets or people)
  • Learn the love language of those close to you and let them know your needs as well

 

Behavioral:

  • Daily planning time
  • Utilize organizational planners
  • Short term goals
  • Daily hobbies for enjoyment
  • Creative activities for relaxation
  • Develop victory list of accomplishments
  • Create a bucket list of lifetime goals
  • Reading for personal development
  • Pay it forward” to do good for others
  • Learn something new everyday
  • Take on new challenges
  • Leave work stress at work
  • Take a training course to gain new knowledge and skills

 

Spiritual:

  • Reading for inspiration
  • Meditation
  • Listen to inspirational music
  • Volunteer to help others
  • Forgive those who have wronged you and forgive yourself
  • Attend spiritual development classes to deepen your soul
  • Attend inspirational services
  • Make prayer a regular part of your day
  • Memorize scriptures to inspire and develop your mind
  • Remember, “Things come to pass – not stay”
  • Re-create spiritual peace in quiet places
  • Build spiritual strength through meaningful experiences
  • Attend prayer vigils to experience greater community connection
  • Observe a day of rest
  • Get in touch with nature
  • Visit a bike trail, park, lake, beach or hike a mountain trail

 

CDC.gov Prevention and Treatment of corona virus disease (COVID-19)

The best way to prevent illness is to avoid being exposed to this virus. However, as a reminder, CDC always recommends everyday preventive actions to help prevent the spread of respiratory diseases, including:

–        Avoid close contact with people who are sick.

–        Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth.

–        Stay home when you are sick.

–        Cover your cough or sneeze with a tissue, then throw the tissue in the trash.

–        Clean and disinfect frequently touched objects and surfaces using a regular household cleaning spray or wipe.

–        Follow CDC’s recommendations for using a facemask.

–        CDC does not recommend that people who are well wear a facemask to protect themselves from respiratory diseases, including COVID-19.

–        Facemasks should be used by people who show symptoms of COVID-19 to help prevent the spread of the disease to others. The use of face masks is also crucial for health workers and people who are taking care of someone in close settings (at home or in a health care facility).

–        Wash your hands often with soap and water for at least 20 seconds, especially after going to the bathroom; before eating; and after blowing your nose, coughing, or sneezing.

–        If soap and water are not readily available, use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer with at least 60% alcohol. Always wash hands with soap and water if hands are visibly dirty.

 

For more to keep your family safe visit :

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/about/prevention-treatment.html

 

Dwight Bain is an author on managing crisis to create positive change who lives in Orlando with his wife, two kids and four cats.

Follow him across all social media @DwightBain

 

How does COVID-19 anxiety impact children?

Strategies for parents, teachers and caregivers to manage hidden stress affecting kids during coronavirus lockdown

Coronavirus is a serious threat that may not come to your home – your family may be spared the disease. Sheltering in place during community lockdown may protect you and your kids from the risk of infection. However, the pandemic impact will ripple out beyond physical health to financial reality and emotional overload. The most vulnerable populations are the very old and the very young. People are social distancing to protect the medical health of the very old. Parents and teachers need to understand the urgency to protect the mental health of themselves and the very young.

Children look to their parents for cues on how to relate to their world. When parents are highly stressed, their children feel stressed. Coronavirus can scare children now, which could create emotional problems for months or even years to come. If a child feels overwhelmed by a continual flow of sad or scary news, they don’t understand it leads to confusion about how the world as they know it has changed. This is especially troubling with young children who don’t have the life experience or vocabulary to tell the adults in their life what hurts. Talking about emotions is essential for mental health. Think of the wisdom given by Mister Rogers to children,

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.”

Bottled emotions don’t go away, they either blow in toward emotional fears, or blow up into angry or acting out behavior. In older kids these fears can lead to anxiety, depression or self-destructive behaviors like drugs, alcohol or even suicide. COVID-19 will go away. The Centers for Disease Control or World Health Organization will eventually find a vaccine, but untreated psychological damage won’t go away and could go on for years. Parents and teachers need to know what to do to prevent that from happening now. Here’s the first challenge.

Get down to the level of your child to gain perspective

Think about the life of a five-year-old this school year. Leaving mom and dad to go to school for the first time. Then getting used to sitting in a desk, lining up to go to the lunch or recess and then pick up line to answer the predictable question when they get into the van, “what did you learn in school today?” Now those patterns have stopped and these kids are back at home with parents who may be on emotional overload with working from home to keep a job, or fighting with each other about money or the frustration of not being able to manage all the details of a culture changing by the day.

A five-year-old doesn’t know how to handle their parents being a ‘hot mess’. Children can’t speak up to say, ‘could you calm down?’ to their parents, so I will say it for them.

“Parents – Calm down.”

Take a deep breath. Calm your anxious thoughts. Grab a pen and use this guide to figure out how to help you son or daughter manage the stress of this complex situation to be emotionally healthy. By the way – when you are calm and figuring out options, your kids will calm down and learn to do the same thing.

COVID-19 is complex for parents to understand. It can be a very difficult for small children to grasp, but helpful videos like the ones on PBS where Elmo teaches how to wash your hands to kill germs is a good place to start. Keep it simple with creative approaches about hand washing https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/videos.html . Coronavirus is serious. Thousands of people will get sick and the overwhelming majority will get better by practicing daily hygiene. Start there. Children of every age can practice handwashing, covering coughs and sneezes, staying hydrated and getting enough rest. These skills will keep them healthy now through lockdown and for the rest of their life.

What matters on Wall Street isn’t as important as what happens on your street

Kids don’t worry about global economic indicators because they don’t understand global economy. They aren’t supposed to be worried about global events because they are just kids. As parents you aren’t supposed to be worried about global events because you can’t control them. A parent’s responsibility is to manage their home and children, not solve world problems. When your children see you as a caregiver modeling healthy behavior, they will begin to do the same. Children tend to do what children see.

Communities are on lock-down to stop the spread of the disease. That’s a responsible way to flatten the curve as explained in this PBS video from https://www.pbs.org/video/what-this-chart-actually-means-for-covid-19-ybsbtd/ .

It doesn’t mean you have to stay in crisis response. Breathe and change perspective. You aren’t ‘stuck at home’ you are ‘safe at home’. You can connect as a family and get through this pandemic with emotional courage to stop confusion and chaos from entering your home. Take care of what you can, act responsible and let go of the rest. Worry about disease or recession won’t help you or your children feel better. Work at wellness and your kids will feel better because you feel better.

Positive action as a family will get you through the lockdown. Schedules, routines, tasks, schoolwork, family game time and meal prep can connect your family in new ways. Take advantage of this time to draw close and have family dinner again. One of the most requested resources American citizens said they wanted more of was time. For a few weeks you and your family will have significant time. Make it count.

Give up fighting toilet paper wars

Decide to focus on your family and home responsibilities first. Energy wasted on panic, “we’re all going to die!” or blame, “why didn’t you buy more toilet paper?” or regret, “why didn’t I go to school to be a doctor?”, or anger, “your coughing is going to get us all killed!”  is wasted energy for parents and can be confusing to kids. The ultimate example are moms and dad who may be expressing anger at God, even if they didn’t believe in God before. “Why would God do this to me?” … is not the kind of question that will change your circumstances and distracts you from working on making your home a safe and emotionally secure place.

Focus energy on an empowering question, ‘What can we do about the situation we are in? What can we do to keep the kids safe?’ Moving from wasted energy to creative change is crucial for parents during COVID-19. Part of this can be reaching out to other parents, Facebook supports, Zoom or YouTube sessions on how to teach your kids algebra at home. There are free resources on almost anything you can think of. Give up the fear and grab hold of new skills to grow through this global experience. Courage to change and creativity is in abundance when you change perspective. (Check out creative ways parents and kids are connecting during lockdown- https://www.forbes.com/sites/tarahaelle/2020/03/15/101-ideas-to-keep-your-kids-busy-during-coronavirus-closures/#7e0ee7d574a4 )

Shelter at home isn’t easy, but it is manageable with a plan. Time moves. Time never stands still. Weeks at home will zoom by with no measurable progress if you don’t have a schedule designed toward purposeful activities. Kids feel afraid if they see their caregivers afraid. Take a breath and begin to map out a daily schedule, 6 days on/ one rest day off, for the children and adults in your home. It’s normal to feel scared, because nothing like this has ever happened in our country.

While it’s normal to feel scared, it becomes unhealthy when people stay idle and silent. Break down the word emotion and you have E-MOTION… get moving as you work your plans and watch how your kids perk up with positive energy. Harvard’s Dr. Richard Weissbourd describes it this way,

“children are more distressed when parents appear helpless and passive, and more comfortable when parents are taking action.”

You will always miss what you are not trained to see

Traumatic situations create traumatic emotions – that’s normal for adults and kids. Any event outside the usual realm of human experience which is distressing can create helplessness, anxiety or panic. Traumatic stressors usually involve a perceived threat to one’s physical safety or someone close to them. This is an intense psychological reaction to feeling threatened, which is completely normal.

Traumatic stress overwhelms coping mechanisms leaving children feeling out of control and helpless. Continual exposure to the trauma creates a survival reaction of being depleted, exhausted, or worse, self-destructive. Children experience traumatic stress differently based on age and maturity level as this guide will outline to help parents and teachers.

Here are the normal signs of emotional overload for children, or their caregivers.

Traumatic Stress Symptoms:

  • Intrusive fearful thoughts
  • Anger, frustration, moodiness or continual irritation
  • Sleeplessness or disturbing dreams
  • Fear, anxiety or panic
  • Poor concentration or difficultly remembering the most basic of tasks
  • Indecision or second guessing every decision
  • Inability to embrace complex concepts
  • Detachment or emotional numbness
  • Hyper-vigilance of danger, for instance when someone sneezes
  • Hopelessness, dread or self-destructive thoughts
  • Sadness or continual waves of grief (lost graduations and prom)
  • Inability to listen to instruction, or emotional distancing
  • Chronic exhaustion or energy loss
  • Physical aches or muscle pain,(usually from an unidentified source)
  • Minimizing the severity of the situation, especially among older adolescents

Think about you, your child or partner as you reviewed the list of normal stress reactions. It is likely many of the people you know have some of these symptoms, because they are normal in a time of crisis. The goal is to normalize and calm emotions to make them more manageable for both parents and kids.

Stay realistic. When children are feeling confused, highly anxious or emotionally numb, their ability to think creatively to do schoolwork at home will be impaired. Adjust expectations about school performance accordingly to focus on their emotional ability to cope. Until their brains are working better by learning how to control their emotions, they might not be able to retain much new information.

How to Help Children during Coronavirus Lockdown

–        Ask how they are managing the stress. Listen carefully and compassionately

–        Spend time with your children in the same room, it’s more comforting to be together than alone and isolated during lockdown

–        Offer a listening ear of support, comfort and encouraging words which can help even the most introverted of children

–        Allow your children to reach out to text or call their friends or classmates they haven’t heard from since the lockdown

–        Reassure they are safe once stability can be assured as the family is fully practicing CDC.gov or Coronavirus.gov protocols on physical and medical safety

–        Guide your children in taking on additional household responsibilities and everyday tasks. Explain you cannot become ‘super-parent’ and need their help. Even a very young child can do something to help. (example would be putting their own laundry in the laundry basket or learning how to fold towels to help mom or drying dishes with dad).

–        Avoid taking their moodiness or frustration personally; crisis brings out the best or the worst in children, parents, partners and other family members. Give a lot of grace, since we will all need a lot of grace during this period of lockdown.

–        Skip judging other people on how they parent or what they allow their children to do – while you stand firm on hygiene and social distancing protocols. Safety first

–        Show compassion on families who may have family testing positive for COVID-19. Share your concern, assure of your prayers and teach your children to pray for others we cannot go immediately help

–        Learn to accept frustration as part of the process instead of trying to ‘fix’ people to do things your way. Controlling others doesn’t work and creates more frustration

–        Encourage family members to ‘check-in’ to share feelings frequently and then ask about each other’s wellbeing emotionally and physically each day

–        Access mental health resources online or via telehealth to guide your family through the surge of stress everyone is feeling. Allowing emotions to flow will prevent emotions blowing up in rage, or blowing into resentment or self-destruction

–        Encourage all family members to monitor and discuss stress overload and to keep the conversation moving forward toward emotional coping skills which build resiliency

–        No one gets through crisis alone, especially children. Reassure that traumatic emotions are normal reactions to an abnormal situation like coronavirus lockdowns

–        Talking through the elevated stress is essential; remember if you can talk through it, you can get through it

Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children or adolescents. Here are the signs of stress in children, based on age, who have experienced major crisis.

INFANTS AND TODDLERS

–        Regression of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills

–        Sleep disturbances (difficulty going to sleep; frequently waking)

–        Difficulty leaving parent, extreme clinginess

–        General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying

3-5 YEARS

–        Regression-returning to security blankets/discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb sucking or other age inappropriate behavior

–        Immature grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy stories

–        Blaming themselves and feeling guilty about how the crisis affected their family

–        Bedtime anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent waking or chronic worrying

–        Fear of being abandoned by parents or parents dying from coronavirus, clinginess increases as child feels unsafe

–        Greater irritability, aggression, or temper tantrums, especially from previously quiet children

6-8 YEARS

–        Pervasive sadness: especially when they perceive feelings of being abandoned, or fear of loss of both parents or siblings to the disease

–        Crying and sobbing can be a common reaction, and sometimes a healing one to release fears. Once they cry it out, some children may be able to talk it out. This is the stage where children start to understand about their own death, so some kids may focus on a cough as indicator of the reality that their body may be sick.

–        Talk about their fears, let them express, then visit trusted sources like www.Coronavirus.gov to see actual facts to read through and reduce fears together.

–        Afraid of the world ending, or watching their parents die, or their worst fears coming true, this “catastrophizing” is based on fears, not facts. Shatter that fear by showing the steps you are taking as a parent to stay healthy to not contract the disease and how this will protect the entire family through the lockdown

–        Fantasies that the coronavirus never happened, and things will ‘just go back to normal’ like waking up out of a bad dream

–        May become overactive or act irresponsibly to avoid thinking about stressful issues, acting disrespectful, rude and hateful are other indicators

–        Feel ashamed of the crisis; or feel they are different from other children because of how your family may be taking coronavirus lock down more seriously than others, while their friends on Instagram seem to be going on with ‘life as normal’

ADOLESCENTS:

–        Feeling isolated and lonely, separation anxiety increases in kids with other major losses like graduation, prom or the hope of living away from home at college with so many shut down or going to online only

–        Major loss, such as losing contact with their peer group through school, sports, fine arts, drama or band and perhaps losing contact with their friend group forever due to job relocation of parents. Students may never see some of these peers again

–        Fear loss of stability and security from parents leaving them or parents not available to them because parents are caught up in their own stressful financial career or relationship problems

–        Feel hurried to achieve independence, which sometimes is driven by the desire to escape parents’ crisis or financial situation

–        Loss of identity for teens who tended to over-achieve academically, in sports or extra-curriculars. These kids may start to feel deep sadness as if they are losing a part of who they are. While your child may not have been headed to the Olympics or Final Four; those events being cancelled may cause some kids to feel like their career dreams has been shattered

–        Worry about their own financial future by being laid off from a job, not finding a job, not having the money to go to college

–        Preoccupied with guilt over how they must step up to help their parents manage the financial survival of a pending recession

–        Chronic fatigue: difficulty concentrating, physical complaints like chronic headaches, backaches, stomach aches may indicate stuffed emotions are triggering very real physical pain

–        Feeling deep grief and loss, while not knowing how to mourn loss caused by COVID-19 as they begin to understand the world can be a dangerous and unpredictable place

Strategies to help stressed children

Children look to their parents for support and encouragement during any crisis.

The following is a guide to help parents, caregivers and teachers manage the flood of emotions that may come up during coronavirus lockdown.

Ages birth to 6

Children under the age of six do not need additional exposure to major traumatic events. Children of this age draw their emotional support from parents When parents or guardians feel safe and secure, the children will feel emotionally secure as well. Parents should speak about home life around children instead of topics such as disease, stock markets or other bad things that happen in the world. Modeling calm and compassion with “let’s pray for families who have sickness in their home,” and then going about the normal schedule with the news or financial media turned off. When parents can maintain a sense of calmness, small children will feel safe and secure. They might seem almost as if nothing bad has happened to them, because in their world the important things, (you and their family) are stable and safe.

Ages 6 to 12

Children of this age are more aware of the world around them, yet still need moms and dads to shield them from most of the bad news. If your kids can’t spell Zimbabwe or find it on a map, then direct their thoughts back to the part of the world where they live. News media stories may be confusing to children beginning to understand geography. They need knowledge of where the seven continents are balanced with their own responsibilities in their own country, state or city. Limited exposure to the media is not dangerous because it can open discussions about insecurities your child may be feeling. Television specials, like the one hosted by Kristen Bell on Nickelodeon can be a great conversation starter to open important health topics. Talking is encouraged for this age group, journaling, expressing emotions, or even writing letters to emergency workers to thank them for helping victims is a positive use of energy. Drawing pictures allows for healthy emotional expression and can be a powerful coping skill.

Social distancing outside the home is essential, but you can still hug your kids! Physical touch can bring security to a child. Also remember to have special times of prayer as they learn to give up their worries to God. These steps help children better deal with their fears about bad things that happen in the world as they learn how to sort through new experiences with the support of their family.

Ages 12 to 18

Adolescents have their own impressions of crisis events, in part shaped by their peers or social media connections. The older they are, the more likely they will have strong opinions, and it is healthy for them to process their feelings with friends. Expression should be balanced with family, teachers, clergy or counselors since negative peer pressure can lead to irresponsible behavior. This group may need some time to verbally process how they feel about what happened. Special emphasis should be placed on helping them talk through the issues and not stay isolated from family. Asking how they are managing the stress and what they think might help others in the family could be a good place to start a respectful conversation about being part of a family facing crisis together.

Silence or withdrawal is a serious warning sign the crisis events of the past few weeks have been internalized. Strict limits on news or social media is essential to prevent anxiety or panic levels from rising exponentially from negative media overload. This group may feel the most pressure to escape reality with mind-altering drugs, alcohol, sexual acting out, criminal activity or suicidal actions. Talk openly if you are worried about your teen’s behavior with love and compassion. Reassure them the family can get through this challenging time better together. Escaping or giving up on living doesn’t take the stress and fear go away. Keep the conversation going with the help of national suicide hotlines, which are well staffed to help you and your son or daughter. (Every country has suicide hotlines available. They are free and confidential and easy to find  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines )

 

Dangerous Warning Signs

This final category maps out indicators of traumatic stress which are beginning to overwhelm the individual and creating a risk to their health. The longer the traumatic stress symptoms occur, the greater the negative impact on the child or caregiver. This does not imply craziness or weakness rather it indicates that the emotions are too powerful for them to manage by themselves. Completely normal, but it can make a person feel powerless, as if they are drowning in their emotions and does require someone else to help them, such as an emotional lifeguard. Children or caregivers who display more than a few of the following stress symptoms may need additional help dealing with the events surrounding coronavirus lockdown. They should seek the appropriate medical or psychological assistance.

Thankfully dozens of trusted resources are available to educate and equip parents and teachers on helping children negatively impacted by trauma. https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/talking-with-children.html?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fcoronavirus%2F2019-ncov%2Fcommunity%2Fschools-childcare%2Ftalking-with-children.html

Physical:

Chills, thirst, fatigue, nausea, fainting, vomiting, dizziness, weakness, chest pain, headaches, elevated blood pressure, rapid heart rate, muscle tremors, difficulty breathing, shock symptoms, etc.

Emotional:

Fear, guilt, grief, panic, denial, anxiety, irritability, depression, apprehension, emotional shock, feeling overwhelmed, loss of emotional control, etc.

Cognitive:

Confusion, nightmares, uncertainty, hyper-vigilance, suspiciousness, intrusive images, poor problem solving, poor abstract thinking, poor attention/memory and concentration, disorientation of time, places or people, difficulty identifying objects or students, heightened or lowered alertness, etc.

Behavioral:

Withdrawal, antisocial acts, inability to rest, intensified pacing, erratic movements, changes in social activity, changes in speech patterns, loss of or increase of appetite, experimentation with sexuality, substances, pornography or online gambling for older children.

When in doubt about your children’s medical or mental health needs contact a trusted family member, a physician or certified mental health professional. Remember there are caring people who can help you and your children. You do not have to go through a crisis alone, but you do need to reach out for help. COVID-19 lockdown has not limited access to therapists, counselors, social workers, psychologists or clergy. Children and parents must actively deal with negative emotions now to move past the stress of coronavirus lockdown and find strength to cope with the challenges ahead. Good news – there are many groups available to help you figure it out.

Growing up can be scary, but generations of children grew through global challenges in the past like the great depression and became disciplined and resilient. This generation of children could become mentally and spiritually stronger because of COVID-19. Courageous parenting will create courageous children. That could become the greatest gift to our culture. Disciplined students who have learned how to manage themselves with responsibility and gained skills on how to help others. That might be the brave new world we need, and it will be filled with confident young adults who learned how to cope by watching their parents lean into the coronavirus challenge.

Talk through it to get through it

This guide can get you started on how to open conversations that will help your children manage the stress of a global pandemic. Learning how to manage emotions in this crisis can prepare your kids to manage any crisis. Teaching them to talk through issues is strategic for them to explore options and keep moving forward in their life.

Spark creativity with regular conversations about managing stress and pressure by discussing issues like these with your children in age appropriate ways.

–        What are you worried about or afraid of since the coronavirus lockdown began?

–        How is our family affected by the coronavirus?

–        Talk about what was important to you before the COVID-19 pandemic and how those core values may have changed or gotten stronger since the lockdown began.

–        What will our family look like five years after the coronavirus has been solved with a vaccine?

–        Express how grateful you are for each member of the family, what you admire or love about them. Share your heart with your children and watch how quickly they learn to share their deepest emotions with you.

Coronavirus can connect your family in new ways during the lockdown. Family dinner conversations can go deeper into conversations that will build mental wellness and resiliency. To quote Charles Dickens, “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.”  It is the same for your family. This can be the best or worst of times, – that choice is up to you.

 

Dwight Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor who writes on managing crisis to create positive change. He lives in Orlando with his wife, two kids and four cats.  Follow him across all social media @DwightBain

Back Seat Battles

“Don’t make me pull this car over!”

Every parent has said these words at some point because of the bickering of their children in the back seat. These “back seat battles” can ruin relationships and is one of the most common causes of deadly car accidents according to the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration https://crashstats.nhtsa.dot.gov/Api/Public/ViewPublication/812260

Why do people argue and fight in the car?

It’s one of the most unsafe activities a family will ever face and doesn’t make any sense until you understand what is going on psychologically under the surface. More importantly there are three words that can disarm or eliminate the conflict to protect both life and peace of mind.

The largest source of family conflict in cars is bias. Every human has a way of looking at things shaped by their mindset which psychologist Daniel Kahneman won a Nobel prize describing. Dr. Kahneman researched to show how quickly every human thinks their bias or opinion is right, which is the source of almost every conflict from domestic violence to divorce. Arguing to prove an opinion ‘right’ starts fights because the other person argues to prove that opinion ‘wrong’ which ramps up tension. It doesn’t matter the age, since a five-year-old can be just as agitated as her mother until the process is reversed with three words… “Help me understand.”

Instead of ramping up the conflict by proving who is right or wrong, do the opposite and calm the situation by unraveling the bias. Think of it solving the back seat battles using this strategy spelling out the word … B.I.A.S

Belief

Seek to understand why the other person believes the opinion they are holding. What is the basis of their point of view? Listen to really hear their belief instead of listening to find a gap to prove they are wrong. It takes patience but will build stronger connection in the relationship.

Information-

Where did they find the information to draw their conclusions? The Internet? Facebook? TV? or something they heard someone else say? Listen to hear the source, instead of listening to attack their source. The goal is to hear the other person, not hurt them, or worse to prove you are equally biased and argumentative.

Aware –

As the conversation moves forward be prepared and gracious to say or hear “I was wrong”. As the tension dissipates each person in a connected relationship will realize they were out of line and hurtful. This leads to the logical step of apologizing. Being aware of being wrong will build trust in the relationship and make it stronger. Want to aggressively make the relationship better? Be the first one to say it!

Share –

As your drive time becomes one of the best times of the day share what you are learning with other family members or friends. Share how important and valuable the relationship is to you. Once the tension is removed the relationship can grow best without distractions and drive time can become one of the best connections and relationship building times.

Three words can protect you from car accidents and risk of injury; but more importantly asking the question, “Help me understand?” can prevent the loss of relationship from back seat battles.

Moving past the battle to be right by using words to bless and draw closer wins more than a war, it wins the heart of your family and that’s a trade which brings a lifetime of benefits.

About the Author –

Dwight Bain is a nationally certified counselor with 35 years of experience in helping families make their life work better. Follow him across all social media for insights about healthy relationships and emotional control.

 

Roots of Resentment Are Fueled by Trying

Want fewer conflicts with your family? Stop the subtle ‘lies’ that hurt feelings. That’s what a counselor told me the first year Sheila and I were married. Stop trying and start doing. I think he was borrowing a quote from Master Yoda in the Star Wars film who said, “Do or Do not. There is no Try.” Tried it. It worked and that’s when I learned the secret to resolve needless conflict.

“Trying is Lying. Only Doing builds Trust.”

When we say the word “Try” it doesn’t mean much. Consider these popular phrases:

I am going to try to –

Lose the weight

Quit smoking

Get more sleep

Be on time

Pay off the credit card this month

Watch less TV and read more

Spend less time on Facebook

And my #1 favorite…

“I’m going to try to get to the gym.”

Behavior is based on belief. What we believe pulls us toward action. It’s very powerful. Until you really believe something you can’t change it. It’s just words.

If you want a better family life stop speaking ‘little lies’ since your family will only hear the lying part.

‘We will try to go to Disney this weekend, if it doesn’t rain’, really means ‘we are going to Disney this weekend’ to a child.

‘I will try to play legos with you when I get home if it’s not too late,’ means ‘I will play legos with you tonight,’ to a little boy.

‘Of course we will try to clean the garage this weekend’ means ‘we will clean the garage’ to an exhausted marriage partner.

Passive people think they will avoid a little conflict by saying ‘we will try’ to their kids or partners, and then end up with a major conflict when ‘trying’ is exposed to mean nothing. And when ‘trying’ collapses it creates pain and the roots of resentment. A little disappointment with the truth is better than a ton of disappointment, hurt, rejection and the shattered trust of being labeled a liar.

Simply stated – “Trying is Lying.”

What to do about it?

Prioritize your days/weeks/months. Figure out what you can or cannot do, and then do what you say you are going to do. Stop big disappointments by speaking the truth now. Stop saying ‘I will try to do better, and simply do better. The responsibility on you, not the blaming narrative that it is the other person’s fault.

You have the power to change and lift up your family out of needless conflict by practicing what the Apostle Paul taught. “Speak the truth in love so they may grow,” he wrote to a group of religious people who were openly attacking one another. (Ephesians 4:15) Prioritizing your life, speaking the truth, staying and connected and loving is way more important than a quote from a movie. It’s transformational action and it starts with you.

No more trying.

No more lying.

From now on simply doing.

That’s the key to a healthy family. A place full of positive action, instead of painful conflict.

You have the power. Start now.

 

 

About the author – Dwight Bain is a licensed counselor and certified coach who guides people in rewriting their story to create positive change. Follow him across all social platforms for more inspiration @DwightBain

Do you know the one word to end worry?

Worry, everyone does it, from 5-year-olds to those in their 50s. Even though it’s common everyone also understands worry is not productive. We worry about things we can’t control. Crime in big cities. Global warming. What mean people will say about a Facebook post, or worse how someone might judge an Instagram family photo when your hair just would not cooperate. Worry doesn’t make health better, in fact, it can make it worse. For some it’s a stress headache, others it’s terrible gastrointestinal pain. Stress and worry drain energy and have no benefit to physical or mental health. Is there a better way?

I believe there is a single word to solve this dilemma and recapture the lost energy, health problems and sleep loss that comes from chronic worry.

The word is Care.

Moms tell their kids to be careful at school but that doesn’t stop the bullies from saying mean things. People talk about being careful on the roads traveling, but saying it so much almost isn’t heard when you consider the number of car accidents that happen. Perhaps they are instructing their loved ones to avoid being careless and to pay attention as a way to solve future problems, yet I look at those words a different way.

You can be careful, or you could be full of care.

Instead of seeing people who don’t worry as careless, perhaps view it as someone who doesn’t carry around a lot of burdens and pressure. They are carrying less cares, worries, doubts or confusion. A simple approach is to be carefree, not caring less, just being free of having to carry all the worries we never had control over anyway.

Remember the ancient scripture penned by St. Peter, “Cast all your cares upon God because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). The secret to solving care and worry is based on who is carrying all of those cares and worries. When we carry the burdens it’s easy to get tired and overwhelmed. A better way is to learn how to let God carry our greatest fears, doubts, confusions, and worries. When we give God our burdens and cares, we can live in the freedom enjoyed by people of deep faith. Simply trusting that God is in control means I don’t have to worry about anything. Even what mean people might say on Facebook.

 

About the Author – Dwight Bain guides people in creating positive change as a nationally certified counselor and certified leadership coach. Follow his daily social media posts for strategies that make life work better.

Stop the Lies Destroying Your Health and Happiness

Did you hear….

Kim Kardashian is quitting Hollywood to become a Kindergarten teacher

Beyoncé is going to stop singing to become an ESPN sports commentator

Tim Tebow is giving up sports to become a Chick-fil-A manager in Florida

People like to gossip almost as much as they like to repeat gossip, even if it’s not true. Falsehoods are so common they are frequently labeled #FakeNews in social media.

You may not think about it much, but the same thing can happen in your personal life. (Not the celebrity part – but the fake news part). Humans are wired to believe rumors and gossip, even if they are outright lies – and it is a powerful force in relationships.

You see, belief shapes behavior – even if the belief is completely based on a lie. When you and I meditate on a lie, it quickly alters our mood and our mindset. Here are some of the common falsehoods that can steal your health and happiness.

  • You can’t lose weight after age 40
  • Google searches can diagnose my medical condition better than a doctor
  • You can never be too rich or too thin
  • Self-worth is based on net worth – especially with jewelry, cars and boats
  • The busier you are – the more you will accomplish
  • You can eat and drink as much as you want in your 20’s without hurting your health
  • Eight hours of sleep per night doesn’t really matter
  • Follow your heart in all relationships and just say or do whatever feels right
  • Let an app on your phone make all the major decisions for you
  • My current relationship problems are not my fault – I just pick the wrong people
  • My partner is so selfish they only care about themselves and don’t care about my happiness at all
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories and you can eat as many as you want
  • Credit card and student loan debt is just a normal part of life to not worry about
  • God could never forgive me for what I’ve done in the past – I’m too big a sinner
  • Buying more things for your kids is more important than spending time with them

Don’t know about you, but I’ve wasted a lot of time meditating on some of these ‘lies’ and it stole my joy and health, (especially the sleep deprivation part). What you and I believe has TREMENDOUS power over our moods and our motivations.

If you want to feel better quickly learn to see the truth in a statement so you can give up on the ‘lie’. Legendary counselor Henri Nouwen noticed there were five primary false beliefs. They are –

  1. I am what I have
  2. I am what I do
  3. I am what other people say or think of me
  4. I am nothing more than my worst moment
  5. I am nothing less than my best moment

These are common, but they are all lies and they will ruin your mood and often your relationships along with it. You are more than what you look like, or the stuff you have accumulated or what others think about you, or mistakes you have made. Believe the truth – you are more.

A better approach is to move from believing a lie, to finding and embracing the truth. For me that starts in the Bible. I have found more comfort and insight into human behavior within the pages of scripture than anyplace else.

Consider what St. Paul wrote on the power of right thinking. “Brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”. (Philippians 4:8, NIV)

Notice there is nothing about gossip, agendas, rumors, egos, regrets, complaing, resentment, revenge or any other negative perspectives about people. He simply decided to focus on the positive and then challenged his readers to do the same. (This is even more powerful when you realize he was writing these words from a prison cell.)

You and I can do that as well.  We can stop filling our minds with #fakenews about whatever is trending, to embrace the #realNews that God loves you just the way you are, but his word challenges each of us to not stay that way. I believe we were designed to stretch, grow, improve and become better today than we were yesterday.

When you and I decide to see the best in people, and then forgive ourselves for past failures to see ourselves the way God does – the mood instantly changes, motivation ramps up and morale is transformed.

It all starts with a belief – and you control that process. Want to feel healthier and happier? Change your belief. Want a better marriage and family? Change your belief. This process is simple but it does require a shift in thinking. Take the step to let go of false beliefs to grab hold of the truth. Start now!

 

 

About the Author – Dwight Bain guides people in rewriting their story through the power of change. He is a frequent media guest on rebuilding calm after crisis quoted by the Washington Post, New York Times and Orlando Sentinel. Bain is a life-long resident of Orlando where he lives with his wife Sheila. Follow him on social media @DwightBain

Technology is hurting your kids – Here’s what to do about it

Families are being quietly dismantled by technology. Much of what we call ‘family time’ has been replaced by screen time and screen time pushes relationships apart. When you consider the massive amounts of time family members face screens, instead of face each another it is easy to understand why more screen time creates more conflict.  Consider –

  • 8 to 10 year olds are online or in front of a screen almost 8 hours a day. Those aged 11 to 18 spend more than 11 hours per day according to the American Academy of Pediatrics.
  • Kids and teenagers ages 12 to 18 spend nearly two hours a day texting.

Perhaps the scariest trend about how technology is reshaping the family unit came from research conducted in partnership with the reThink Group and Barna Research Group (www.Barna.com) who discovered parents frequently are as dependent on their electronic devices as their kids. They found 49% of parents worry about technology and media wasting their children’s time, yet 21% of youth say their parents have a “double standard when it comes to technology.” And one-sixth of these tweens and teens (17%) say their parents “bring their work home with them too much.”

* Parents are more likely than their tween and teen kids to use cell phones and desktop computers. They are just likely as their teens and tweens to use laptop computers and tablet devices.

* Parents watch just as much television and movies, use the Internet for as many minutes per day, and spend more time on the telephone and emailing than do their tween- and teen-aged children.

*Nearly half of both parents and teens said they emailed, texted or talked on the phone while eating in the last week.

*Two out of five youth and one-third of parents have used two or more screens simultaneously during this time period.

*Half of students and one-fifth of parents have checked email or text messages in bed in the last seven days.

* The technology and media-related tasks that young people do more often than their parents are listening to music, texting, and playing video games.

* Only 10% of parents and 6% of teenagers take off one day a week from digital usage.

Is your family blessed from the benefits of technology, or is your family being destroyed by it? That’s the question David Kinnaman, president of Barna Research Group asked when he said, “Technology is shaping family interactions in unprecedented ways, but we lack a strategic commitment to the stewardship of technology. The Christian community needs a better understanding of how to manage technological advances. Parents, tweens and teens need more coaching and input in order to face the countless choices they make regarding how technology affects their attention, interests, talents and resources.”

Researchers at San Diego State found that parents spend two to three hours per day with their kids and almost double that with technology. When family members are more connected to their screens than they are to each other, the family begins to suffer as the relationships slowly die from neglect. There is a better way.

How to fight back against the technology that erodes family connection?

Start with a media fast. This simple process is to put your smart phone in airplane mode to prevent being distracted. Then unplug from all social media for a period of days/weeks/months. You won’t die, but you will recapture a deep sense of inner peace as your brain learns to think without the constant stimulation of technology. The Boston Globe reported that the Chief Technology Officer of EBay sends his kids to a school where technology is totally banned and many employees of Google, Apple, Yahoo, and Hewlett-Packard do not allow their kids to have smart phones. Bill Gates only allowed his daughters on the Internet 45 minutes a day, including video games. He also didn’t permit a cell phone until they turned 13.

(You can see the full article outlining how Silicon Valley creates technology for our kids, but has a double standard because they won’t allow their own children to use what they design because of the addictive nature of smart phone technology at)  http://www.boston.com/news/education/k_12/articles/2011/10/23/school_that_educates_the_children_of_silicon_valley_eschews_high_tech/

Next, limit your screen time to 100 minutes per day or less. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggest our kids and teens not have more than 120 minutes of screen time, (not counting homework; see the full pdf of recommendations at this link – http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/132/5/958.full.pdf+html )

Review Internet viewing history and downloads. Parents need to open up the bedroom doors and have access to passwords of their sons and daughters. CBS News interviewed a pediatrician who said, “I guarantee you that if you have a 14-year-old who has an Internet connection in his bedroom, he is looking at pornography.”  http://www.cbsnews.com/news/pediatricians-urge-parents-to-limit-kids-screen-time/

Turn off Technology in the bedroom

Dr. Daniel Amen is a leading psychiatrist and brain researcher who recommends computers, TV’s, tablets, smart phones and other electronic devices be removed from the bedroom. This will deepen your sleep and prevent EMF (electromagnetic frequencies) from being absorbed into your body. EMF radiation damages healthy cells and is known to increase the risk of cancer which is why Dr. Amen has outlined a number of healthy patterns to get better sleep, while avoiding technology overload.

 

You can find out more at https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/technology-is-creating-new-brain-disorders/

Finally, consider the ancient wisdom of Proverbs 3:3 and Proverbs 7:3 which share the common theme of replacing popular culture with scripture. Listen, “Let not mercy and truth forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart, (Proverbs 3:3), and “Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart.”

 

Long before tablets were invented by men, God had outlined the importance of placing core values deep inside the “Tablet” of your heart. That advice of replacing culture with deeper character is even more true today.

 

Access a wealth of parenting resources to help protect your family from technology overload at – http://www.barna.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Barna_The_Tech-Wise_Family_Challenge_Resources.pdf

 

About the author – Dwight Bain guides people in managing major change as an author, Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Leadership Coach. He lives in Orlando with his wife, two kids and three cats. Follow him across all social media @DwightBain

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