“Don’t make me pull this car over!”
Every parent has said these words at some point because of the bickering of their children in the back seat. These “back seat battles” can ruin relationships and is one of the most common causes of deadly car accidents according to the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration https://crashstats.nhtsa.dot.gov/Api/Public/ViewPublication/812260
Why do people argue and fight in the car?
It’s one of the most unsafe activities a family will ever face and doesn’t make any sense until you understand what is going on psychologically under the surface. More importantly there are three words that can disarm or eliminate the conflict to protect both life and peace of mind.
The largest source of family conflict in cars is bias. Every human has a way of looking at things shaped by their mindset which psychologist Daniel Kahneman won a Nobel prize describing. Dr. Kahneman researched to show how quickly every human thinks their bias or opinion is right, which is the source of almost every conflict from domestic violence to divorce. Arguing to prove an opinion ‘right’ starts fights because the other person argues to prove that opinion ‘wrong’ which ramps up tension. It doesn’t matter the age, since a five-year-old can be just as agitated as her mother until the process is reversed with three words… “Help me understand.”
Instead of ramping up the conflict by proving who is right or wrong, do the opposite and calm the situation by unraveling the bias. Think of it solving the back seat battles using this strategy spelling out the word … B.I.A.S
Belief –
Seek to understand why the other person believes the opinion they are holding. What is the basis of their point of view? Listen to really hear their belief instead of listening to find a gap to prove they are wrong. It takes patience but will build stronger connection in the relationship.
Information-
Where did they find the information to draw their conclusions? The Internet? Facebook? TV? or something they heard someone else say? Listen to hear the source, instead of listening to attack their source. The goal is to hear the other person, not hurt them, or worse to prove you are equally biased and argumentative.
Aware –
As the conversation moves forward be prepared and gracious to say or hear “I was wrong”. As the tension dissipates each person in a connected relationship will realize they were out of line and hurtful. This leads to the logical step of apologizing. Being aware of being wrong will build trust in the relationship and make it stronger. Want to aggressively make the relationship better? Be the first one to say it!
Share –
As your drive time becomes one of the best times of the day share what you are learning with other family members or friends. Share how important and valuable the relationship is to you. Once the tension is removed the relationship can grow best without distractions and drive time can become one of the best connections and relationship building times.
Three words can protect you from car accidents and risk of injury; but more importantly asking the question, “Help me understand?” can prevent the loss of relationship from back seat battles.
Moving past the battle to be right by using words to bless and draw closer wins more than a war, it wins the heart of your family and that’s a trade which brings a lifetime of benefits.
About the Author –
Dwight Bain is a nationally certified counselor with 35 years of experience in helping families make their life work better. Follow him across all social media for insights about healthy relationships and emotional control.
