Mornings
Give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.
Psalm 107:31 NIV
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 NIV
Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
Hebrews10:24 NIV
by Dwight Bain
Feeling Stressed Out? You are not alone. In fact, families are more stressed, more pressured and more exhausted than ever before. The problem is that stress usually brings out the worst in our lives, making already complex situations overwhelming or worse, shouting matches to prove who is ‘right.’
Is there a better way? I believe there is and it involves moving from focusing on the stress, (or source of the stress), to focus on managing it successfully. Here are some rapid strategies to use to make your home a place of happy memories and peace, instead of a panic filled environment where everyone is ducking for cover.
1. Speak up instead of Stuff it.
Often we follow the simplistic advice of Thumper’s father in the Disney film, “Bambi” who has the classic line, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” However, remember this was a young rabbit quoting his cartoon rabbit father. Not the best source of advice. Better is to Speak up when you are stressed, talk to your family, talk to your friends, neighbors or pastor.
2. Support instead of Solo
Frank Minirth is a Dallas based psychiatrist who often says, “If you have one good friend you can talk to about anything, you will never need a psychiatrist.” I believe he is correct, since the more support you feel during stressful times, the better you will be able to manage the pressure. A burden shared is half a burden as the old saying goes, and it’s true. The more you can find like-minded people to walk through life with you, especially during the tough times, the better you will get through it.
3. Skills to cope instead of same old way
Rest, relaxation, recreation and releasing pressure through journaling, counseling or exercising is a rapid way to manage the stress and pressure, because you are letting the pressure out faster than it’s coming in. You may be surprised to learn that the most successful people in our country keep a gratitude journal of blessings and add to it every day. Psychologically to focus on your blessings, instead of on your problems will change your mindset and will make you stronger, even during the toughest of times.
4. Spiritual Strength
Remember you will get through this and you’re not alone. There really is a God who is quite fond of you and desires your best. In fact, the Bible is full of encouraging words to build our strength in tough times. Listen to these words from the Apostle Peter, “Cast your cares on God, because God cares for you.” Do you hear the comfort? Spiritual peace is the beginning of real rest and stress relief. Why not find a quiet place to meditate and reflect on blessings today? As you move from counting problems, to counting blessings you may be surprised at how much better you feel… and how much easier it is to manage the day to day stress because you gained an eternal perspective.
Dwight Bain is a trusted professional with over 30 years of experience in solving complex problems. His purpose is to help you achieve maximum results in your personal and professional life. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Professional Communicator specializing in managing major change to move from stress to success. He is a life-long resident of Orlando, Florida where he lives with his wife Sheila and their two children. His goal is to make a positive difference in our culture for Christ every day by focusing on strategic change to achieve rapid results. Follow him on Twitter @DwightBain or like his page to find new inspiration at www.Facebook.com/DwightBain
Strategies to rebuild you and your kids after a tragedy
A sudden crisis, (like a mass shooting), can terrorize an entire community in just a few minutes, while the recovery process to rebuild from a major critical incident may take weeks or months to sort through. The more you know about how to survive and rebuild after the crisis, the faster you can take positive action to get your personal and professional life back on track. Since community crisis events like extreme acts of violence, school shootings or terrorism are unpredictable it requires a different course of action from natural disasters like hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, fires and floods. What can you do right now to cope with the psychological impact of a major community crisis?
Dealing directly with your emotions will reduce the tension and stress on you, which allows you to have more energy to deal with a difficult situation. However, if you stuff your fears and frustrations in a major community crisis, your emotions can quickly blow up without warning. Exploding in rage on your children, your coworkers or your marriage partner will only make a difficult situation worse. Community crisis events are a terrible situation full of loss and difficulty for everyone. By taking action now you can move beyond feeling overwhelmed by intense stress, anger or confusion. As you follow the insight from this recovery guide, you will be taking positive steps to rebuild with the focused energy of an even stronger life for you and your family after the emergency service workers pack up and go home because your community has recovered.
To best survive a major community crisis, you need a strong combination of three key elements:
– healthy coping skills
– healthy supports and a
– healthy perspective
While things will never be the same as they were before the community crisis, (like a mass shooting); the following guidelines will give you the key elements needed to get past the overwhelming stress and to find even greater strength on the other side.
What are the dangerous warning signs of critical stress overload?
A major community crisis affects everyone however; it becomes dangerous to our health when the stress goes on for an extended period of time. Major stress can affect adults, children, the elderly and even pets, so it is important to be alert to watch for the danger signs of the psychological condition called, ‘Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder’, (commonly referred to as PTSD), in yourself, your family members and coworkers. These symptoms include any dramatic change in emotions, behavior, thought patterns or physical symptoms over the next few days, weeks or even months. Since community crisis events are a terribly stressful time for everyone and often remain stressful for days or weeks to come, there are a number of factors to be aware of to keep yourself and those who you care about safe.
Dangerous Stress Warning Signs
These signs are indicators that the intense stress from the critical incident is beginning to overwhelm the individual. The longer the stress symptoms occur-the greater the severity of the traumatic event on the individual. This does not imply craziness or personal weakness; rather, it simply indicates that the stress levels from the storm were too powerful for the person to manage and their body is reacting to the abnormal situation of having survived a major trauma. It’s normal to feel completely overwhelmed by a community crisis like a mass shooting or natural disaster; however there are danger signs to watch for in yourself or others that may indicate psychological trauma. Adults or children who display any of the following stress symptoms may need additional help dealing with the events of this crisis. It is strongly recommended that you seek the appropriate medical or psychological assistance if you see a lot of the physical, emotional, cognitive or behavioral symptoms listed below in you, your coworkers, or someone in your family or home, especially if these symptoms weren’t present before the crisis.
Physical Symptoms:
Chills, thirst, fatigue, nausea, fainting, vomiting, dizziness, weakness, chest pain, headaches, elevated blood pressure, rapid heart rate, muscle tremors, difficulty breathing, shock symptoms, and so on.
Emotional Symptoms:
Fear, guilt, grief, panic, denial, anxiety, irritability, depression, apprehension, emotional shock, and feeling overwhelmed, loss of emotional control, and so on.
Cognitive Symptoms:
Confusion, nightmares, uncertainty, hyper-vigilance, suspiciousness, intrusive images, poor problem solving, poor abstract thinking, poor attention/memory and concentration, disorientation of time, places or people, difficulty identifying objects or people, heightened or lowered alertness, and so on.
Behavioral Symptoms:
Withdrawal, antisocial acts, inability to rest, intensified pacing, erratic movements, changes in social activity, changes in speech patterns, loss of or increase of appetite, increased alcohol consumption, and so on.
If you are in doubt about these symptoms in your life, or someone you care about, it is wise to seek the care of a physician or certified mental health professional. Better to actively deal with the stressful emotions directly to help yourself and your loved ones to immediately cope with this crisis because these emotions tend to worsen and get more intense if left untreated. Remember that there are many experienced professionals who can help you and your children recover during a time of crisis. You do not have to go through this alone.
Take action now to prevent stress from continuing to overwhelm you or the people you care about. Call a trusted friend to talk through it, reach out to clergy, or call your family doctor or counselor. If you don’t know someone to call about these emotional issues, you can reach out for assistance by calling telephone hotlines which are offered at no cost to you. These numbers are often posted by local media, hospitals, the American Red Cross, the Salvation Army or FEMA. If you, or someone you care about are feeling overwhelmed by stress, anxiety, guilt or grief it’s important to make the call for assistance now to learn how to get past the pressure to begin to feel ‘okay’ again.
How does a community crisis event affect kids?
It depends on the age of the child. The younger the child, the more they look to their parents for emotional security and strength. If a Mom or Dad are “shell-shocked” or “numb” and not able to manage their own emotions or responsibilities; the child will feel that pressure and become very confused and further stressed. Remember, it’s normal to be overwhelmed by a community crisis like a mass shooting. This is why it’s so important to take care of yourself in order to take care of your children and those your care about through the long period of recovery and rebuilding after the crisis.
Think about the advice given on commercial airliners to parents traveling with small children. “Should there be an unexpected cabin de-pressurization; oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over your nose and mouth like this and then place the mask over the mouth and nose of those around you needing assistance.” Take care of your own emotional needs first, and then you will be in a stronger position to help those around you. If you feel overwhelmed in giving your children or others who may depend on you for support, please ask for help. It’s okay to be tired, worn out and overly stressed. That’s normal after a community crisis.
However, it’s not okay to ignore caring for the needs of those counting on you like children, the elderly or pets. Sometimes a parent may need to make adjustments at work or change their own schedules for a while by delegating some tasks in order to have time and energy to help their children avoid feeling more pressure from the difficult experience that surviving a major disaster brings. If you feel that your caregiver ‘tank’ is empty, let someone else help you for a while until you get your strength back. That’s best for you and for those that you care about.
When you can focus and dedicate attention to understanding the needs of young children, notice what they are saying, drawing or doing to determine if they are still feeling overly stressed from the traumatic event.
School age kids
need to talk, draw pictures or take positive action, (like having a lemonade stand to raise money for kids just like them who may have lost loved ones or family members because of the traumatic event), so if you give them something to do to help, they can take positive action and sort through their emotions immediately.
High school age kids
may try to act “cool” about everything, but often are more scared about the changes, losses and confusion than any other group. They are older and may need to experience a bit more “reality” at times to loosen up their ability to talk about what is happening around them. If they are willing to talk to their siblings, other family members, clergy or counselors it often doesn’t take very long before they can grow strong enough to deal with their emotions and get back to feeling like themselves again.
The greatest danger sign to be alert and aware of is by noticing any dramatic changes in behavior. If a child was always happy go lucky before the crisis event and now sits all day to watch video footage of the shooting, or other world disasters on the news channels- then you may want to figure out why they made such a dramatic shift in personality. Watch for other major changes in sleep patterns, school patterns, school performance, peer relations and so on. If you see major changes that concern you, it’s time to seek professional attention for the child with their pediatrician or with a child behavioral specialist
What are some ways to help our kids talk about the crisis?
You can reach out to children in many ways to help them deal with this stressful time. Talking, writing, drawing, or writing poetry about the experience with the disaster will make the time pass more quickly, and may even lighten someone else’s load of emotional pain and difficulty while helping you back through the process. Talking about any crisis event in life can help kids learn the basics of moving from the panic of basic survival to building strengths through problem solving.
Are there any “hidden dangers” in media that parents should be concerned about that might make the crisis worse?
Too much media exposure is dangerous for kids. It is better to get a media “news update” once or perhaps at the most, twice a day to avoid the danger of media over-exposure. Leaving the news on all the time will depress the mood of the person who hears it; since deep down inside we learn to go “numb” to the normal emotions of the stressful event, to press on and burn reserve energy in the process. If your child didn’t watch the morning news programs before the community crisis, be cautious about allowing them to watch TV news alone or having long blocks of unaccounted time with too much isolation. Best is to sort through media outlets-like television, Internet, radio or newspapers, which may contain content that is overly stressful or just too depressing for a child. Then set boundaries to protect them from additional stress in media stories, since it is important to protect their home and minds by managing the media around them.
It’s wise to move from negatives to positives in highly charged and difficult situations like a mass shooting or wide spread community disaster. We have all seen enough negative images to last a lifetime and yet the media will often play scenes from a disaster over again and again.
Also, parents and kids can sit down and discuss why they really need to have so many media and entertainment services available in their homes. Many families found that not having the Internet, cable television and loud music playing in their homes while staying in a shelter allowed them to reconnect as a family with much greater communication. By sitting down and discussing these issues your home can be a more positive place, by creating more positive energy to mange the stress of recovering from this crisis situation.
Since watching other people’s problems in other parts of the country will cause more stress in an already stressful situation it’s better to focus on your responsibilities today, right here in your own community. When things in your life are strong again, you and your family won’t be as affected by the images of crisis from other places. But that’s another day, so for now as you recover, it’s better to focus on getting you and your kids though the day that you have been handed without making it harder because of the hidden stress of media overexposure.
Also, the same principles apply for the aged as for anyone else. Seniors often can spend a tremendous amount of time in front of negative media images which can be harmful to their well being. Better to get involved in helping others, praying for those affected or donating to help as you can than to become overwhelmed with the stressors of others by becoming desensitized from media over-exposure.
How can I help my family get back to “normal” after a community disaster?
It may take weeks or months for people to feel that things are back to “normal.” The actual psychological impact of the storm will vary widely between people based on factors like- age, their previous experiences with crisis events and most significantly how much stress they already had in their life before the disaster. The more stress someone had in their life prior to the traumatic event, the longer it takes to recover.
Here are some immediate ways to bring order and calmness back into your life after the chaos and confusion that follows a natural disaster or community crisis like a mass shooting.
1) Reconnect in relationships
You can’t get through a crisis alone. Since we all were impacted differently, it is vitally important to talk about the stress and pressures you have experienced with the people closest to you. Reach out to friends and family as soon as possible, and call people you haven’t heard from in a while. Just checking in to see if they are okay will only take a few minutes, but it will empower and help both of you. Simply talk about what each of you experienced through the crisis and how you got through it. Tremendous connection can occur through crisis, so this is an especially good time to reach out to friends or family who may have drifted away from your closest circle of relationships. Take action now to reach out to people with words of encouragement and support, but don’t wait for someone else to call you- since their phone may not work! Go find them and then reconnect the relationship while helping each other rebuild.
2) Rebuild your routines
This is one of the most important factors to quickly get life back on track because we all draw strength and security from a structured daily routine. Bed time, dinner time, getting up to go to school, or work, or church or the gym to work out. To regain strength quickly identify what your normal routines were before the crisis-and then get back to them as soon as possible. Even if you are staying in a hotel, shelter or with family members for a while, stick with the rituals that you have typically followed that make up your daily lifestyle. This way you will feel the comfort of your stable and predictable routines, regardless of the stress of the many changes happening around you.
3) Reach out for faith
In times of crisis everyone believes in the power of prayer and the importance of their faith. There is tremendous strength in knowing what you believe and living in harmony with those beliefs and values. Plugging back into your faith after a community crisis will allow you to release anxiety over the things that you know are too big for you, because you can trust God to handle them. Dedicate a few minutes or perhaps even an hour per day to quiet mediation and reflection on what matters most if you want to continue to grow strong in spite of the crisis.
This is especially important when you or your children may feel lost, alone or afraid. God cares and taking time to pray and release those burdens will help you make it through the rest of your day. Many churches and houses of faith have chaplains, recovery teams, support services and even financial assistance available to help their members cope with the crisis. Helping others in need is one of the greatest ways people of faith model what they believe, so avoid the tendency of being “too nice” to ask for help if you need it. Having a committed personal faith combined with the connection of a local house of worship will give you a tremendous sense of community to get through this crisis as well as the ones to come.
4) Retell your story
Young and old alike will benefit from hearing about how other people survived the trauma they experienced. There is tremendous power in telling your story; healing power for you and helpful power for others who will gain insight and strength by hearing how creative people can become through the crisis. As you speak up about what happened, it will make it easier for other family members or coworkers to talk about their feelings of loss as well. Things will never be the same as before, but life will go on and we can rebuild and get through it better together. Telling your story now will give you additional strength as well as connect you to the neighbors and friends as they share their story with you.
No matter what the size of crisis event, you can find strength on the other side. Following the action steps in this resource guide will allow you to begin building strength back into your personal and professional life no matter how big the crisis event was. As you grow stronger you can tell others, which will encourage them to press on as they rebuild their lives, right next to yours. Stronger people create stronger communities and that is the journey you have already begun. I encourage you to stay with it as you build an even stronger life after the crisis, and then reach out to others in rebuilding your community.
Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews. You have permission to share or edit this important counseling tool to stabilize others providing you leave the authors name and website as a reference point at the end of the article. Thank you and may God bless your efforts to bring calm after crisis.
Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Read more Crisis Recovery resources at his website www.LifeworksGroup.org
By Dwight Bain
You make me so mad! You are just wrong! You will never get it! You bring out the worst in me!
Heard these comments before? I hope not, because these are the comments that blow up relationships. Not in an instant way, rather little by little until the relationship erosion collapses the entire marriage or family relationship. You see, it’s not usually big fights that end relationships; rather, it’s small ones. Little conflicts, little disagreements, little resentments and little criticisms can build up into tsunami sized rage filled episodes. The sad irony is that people who say they love each other the most, and that they would even die for the people they say they love, are the very same people who use hostile words to crush the spirits of those same people.
These type of conflicts aren’t limited to husbands and wife’s either. No, Parents can have major conflicts with teens, siblings can go after one another in a rage, neighbors can go to battle over barking dogs, coworkers can go off on customers and even churchgoing people can start quarrels of epic proportions.
Conflict is as old as time, but the consequences seem to be growing more intense. Lawsuits, jail time, divorce, domestic violence, assault, battery, broken families and shattered trust are just the beginning of pain when two normally rational people set upon a course of action to go to war with one another. Remember in a war there are no winners, just survivors. Would it surprise you to know the Bible teaches against irresponsible conflict? Listen… “It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that.
By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. (St.
James 2:5-6)
Viewing needless conflict as a fire can be helpful since there are four main ways to respond to a forest fire that are similar to the four main approaches people use to manage conflict in the relationships.
Several of my friends lived in Colorado where they had to flee for their lives from the devastating fires that destroyed hundreds of homes last summer. As dangerous as those fires were, the reality is that dangerous words full of rage and resentment destroy more relationships than wildfires during a drought. You can rebuild a house that has been destroyed, but it may take decades to try and rebuild broken trust from hostile words used against family members. The four main types of fire response are:
GASOLINE – yep, I said it. Gas, which when poured on a fire causes a massive explosion. When parties go from name calling to full scale attack they are pouring gasoline onto the flames of conflict. Acting with Aggression will not solve your angry conflict, but it will make matters worse, sometimes even dangerously so.
FIRE – You’ve likely heard the saying, to “Fight fire with fire” meaning to stand up Assertively to protect your rights while fighting back. While it is true some firefighters use the fire break strategy, if conditions change things can go bad quickly. This is another dangerous approach.
SILENCE – To let a fire burn out from an apathetic approach of doing nothing is often the passive-aggressive way to respond. Remember, relationships are not usually destroyed by problems, but rather by silence about those problems. Finally,
WATER – This is the safest way to end a raging fire. To Accept what is going on and take bold action to do something about it, all while protecting against being drawn into more conflict by others.
If you desire a deeper level of relationship, instead of being destroyed by it, make sure you are living out the words of scripture, again from St. James, who said, “My beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20)
Learning how to put out the flames of conflict will make you feel stronger, more confident and protect the place and people you love the most. Making Home a safe zone from the ‘fires’ of relationship will protect your future legacy and lead to a world of joy, instead of continual pain and problems.
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
Reprint Permission– If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. “Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2013), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeworksGroup.org
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Emily – Conway Elementary
Olivia – Conway Learning Center
Gracie – Thacker Avenue Elementary
DJ – Harmony High School
Natalee – Hickory Tree Elementary School
Seana – Imagine Kissimmee Charter Academy
Maya – Imagine Kissimmee Charter Academy
Angelina – Lake Fern Montessori Academy
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Brooklyn – FCCS
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Elizabeth – University High School
Ricky – Meadows
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Karli – Canoe Creek Charter
Julien – Canoe Creek Charter
Kash – Kingdom Kid’s Christian Academy
Logie
Lindsey – Cypress Creek High School
Emmalynn – Hampden DuBose
Chazz – Hampden DuBose
Lace – Legacy High School
Jeren – Astatula Elementary
Colby
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Kylene – Renaissance Charter
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Karissa – Boone High School
Nathan – Glenridge Middle School
Kailey – Winter Park High School
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Cy – The Master Academy
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Jenise – Osteen Elementary
Eddy – Osteen Elementary
Jack – Maitland Middle School
Hannah – Dommerich Elementary
Owen – Dommerich Elementary
Ana – Faith Christian Academy
Jessica- Profession and Technical High School
Natalie – Profession and Technical High School
Bryan – Deltona High School
Ashlyn – Wolf Lake Elementary
Michael – Enterprise Elementary
Alex – Cornerstone Charter School
Gaby – Cornerstone Charter School
Natalie – University High School
Nicholas – Legacy Middle School
Sabrina – Dr. Phillips High School
Caleb – River Springs Middle School
Michael – Ocoee High School
Chris – Spring Lake Elementary
Sabrina – Wekiva High School
Mary- Louise – Lake Nona High School
Tommy – Boone High
Elizabeth – Boone High
Ethan – New Smyrna Beach Middle School
Amber – New Smyrna Beach Middle School
Aly – Read Patillo
Erica – St. Cloud Middle
Julian
Anthony – Neptune Elementary
Adassa – Neptune Elementary
Jr – Lakeville
Jason – Lakeville
Chris – Riverdale Elementary
Andrea – Red Bug Elementary
Kylie – Red Bug Elementary
Xavier – Clarcona Elementary
Isabela – Clarcona Elementary
Zander – Legacy Middle School
Meranda
Mario – Davenport School of the Arts
Anthony – Davenport School of the Arts
Luke – Davenport School of the Arts
Owen
Dixie – Astatula Elementary
Jaison – Astatula Elementary
Mikaleigh – Oakland Charter School
Courtnie – Tavares Middle
Ryan – Apopka Hight
Nycholar – Piedmont Lakes Middle
Mykailah – Lakeville Elementary
Isabella – Clarcona
Bianca
Caleb
Joshua
Jovan – Neptune Middle
Javier – St. Cloud Elementary
Vanessa – St. Cloud Elementary
Melissa
Matthew
Connor – Brookshire Elementary
Carmen – St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic School
Catherine – St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic School
Amaya – Living Word Christian Academy
Jeremy – Living Word Christian Academy
Ronald – Lake Nona High
Nathan – Westside Elementary
Erin – Lake Howell High School
Jimmy – South Seminole Middle School
Christian – Orlando Science School
Abigail
Lucas – Apopka High
Hannah
Skyler – City of Life
Madison – Florida Tech
Hannah – USF
Riley
Connor
Logan
Alycia – University High School
Angel – Legacy Middle School
Gabriela – Miami Springs Sr. High
Kaya – Osteen Elementary
Angel – East Lake Elementary
Jeremiah – East Lake Elementary
Bruce – Colonial
Nina
Alexander
Tyler – St. Cloud Elementary
Grace – St. Cloud Elementary
Giomar
Matthew – Brookshire Elementary
Nicholas – Brookshire Elementary
Hannah – Lee Middle School
Jake – Lee Middle School
Ellie – Lake Silver Elementary
Erik – Boone High School
Jacob – Timber Creek High School
Page – Leesburg High School
Tori – Oak Park Middle
Robert – East River High School
Nicholas – East River High School
Kelly
Luke
Isabelle Victoria
Jsu
Jeremiah
Jake – ERHS
Payne – Columbia
Shayla
Victoria – Minneola Charter
Hailey – Minneola Charter
Makenzie – Minneola Charter
Sofia – Cypress Creek High
Marcela – Meadow Woods Middle School
Melody
Iyvanna – Pinelock Elementary
Talysa – Oakridge High School
Katy – Good Shepherd Lutheran Academy
Elisa – Good Shepherd Lutheran Academy
Elias – Waterford Elementary
Isaiah – Discovery Middle School
William – Wolf Lake Elementary
Kayla – Ridgeview Global Studies Academy
Brian – WHS
Gideon – WHS
John – WHS
Nathan – WEES
Nathan – First Baptist Church Merritt Island Christian School
Kaeley Anne – Ridge Community High
Naijah – Harmony High School
Marilyn
Tori – Wolf Lake Elementary
Dillon – Gulf Breeze High School
Noah – St. Pete Christian
Madison – Pathways Elementary
Natalia
Kaley – Riverdale Elementary
Caitlin – Riverdale Elementary
Jacob – Campbell Middle School
Sarah – South Daytona Elementary
Robert – Asttula Elementary School
Emily
Bethany
Robyn
Lucy
MacLeod – Hope Charter
Noah – Whispering Oak Elementary
Emmett – Whispering Oak Elementary
Spencer – Sunridge Middle School
Parker – Clermont Middle
Bella – Minneola Elementary
Preston – Minneola Elementary
Lindsey
Corbyn
Brandon
Brianna
Callie – Fruitland Park Elementary
Cody – Fruitland Park Elementary
Corey – Carver Middle
Victoria – Grassy Lake Elementary
Isabelle – Grassy Lake Elementary
Hudson – Grassy Lake Elementary
Hannah
Matthew
Carlie Grace – Lake Hills School
Christian – Trinity Christian Academy
Ashley – Trinity Christian Academy
Ana
Grace
Alycia
Javier
Kalel
Denton
Lianys
Devin – Lee Middle School
Isabella
Richard
Stefan
Shane
Nathan
Jonathan
Victoria – Hagerty High
Dylan – Crooms
Marcus – Colonial High
Brandon – Leesburg
Chase – The Villages Elementary
TJ – The Villages Elementary
Thomas
Ellie
Sam
Xena
Israel
Nayeli
Naomi
Kevin
Tristan – Waterford Lakes Elementary
Hunter – Orangewood Christian School
Ethan – Orangewood Christian School
Kaliah
Gabriel – Leesburg Elementary
Nathaniel – Leesburg Elementary
Saige – Centura
Ryan – South Sumter Middle
Ayla – Bushnell Elementary
David – Auburndale Central Elementary
Samantha – Lawton Chiles Middle School
Jarod – Hagerty High School
Maria – Oakshire Elementary
Erica – River Springs Middle School
Brianna – River Springs Middle School
Hope – Penn State
Sara – Ridge Community High
Anna – Lake Aldred Addair Middle
Miguel – Dommerich Elementary
Matthew – Dommerich Elementary
Krighton – Milestones Community Charter School
Xander – Milestones Community Charter School
tristan – Paths High SChool
Brendan – Trinity
Landon – Three Points Elementary
Taylor – Windermere Elementary
Yazenia – Windermere Elementary
Andy – Suntree Elementary
Jayden Leite – Southland Christian Academy
Emma – Castle Creek
Andrew – Castle Creek
Olivia – Castle Creek
Kade – St. Cloud Elementary
Camden – St. Cloud Elementary
Sidney
Austin
Skyler
Slater
Shane
Jaedyn – Cypress Elementary
Jeada – Cypress Elementary
Ciana – South Seminole Middle School
Kadin – Sterling Park Elementary
Maria – East Liverpool High School
Alex – Beaver Local High School
Brooke – Wolf Lake Middle School
Joshua
Aidan – Southland Christian School
Tommy – Belleview Middle School
Emma – Andover
Stephen – Apopa High
Kevin – Trinity Christian
Amari – Riverside Elementary
Ryan
Rarkwon – Sheeler High School
Katie – Howard Middle School
Braden – Sunshine Academy
Jake – Reading Edge Academy
Alison – Narcoosee Middle
Logan – Harmony Community
Pacey – Northland
Ozzy – Lake Weir Middle
Nick
Logan
Joe
Zachary – Andersen Elementary
Catie – Rockledge Christian
Ryan – GHS
Julian – Harmony High School
Nicole – Arbor Ridge
Sabrina – Glenridge Middle School
Lizzy – Flagler Palm Coast High School
Emily – Flagler Palm Coast High School
Aiden – UCP
Alexa – Apopka High
Gabbie – Apopka Elementary
Collin – Trinity Christian School
Hannah – Tavares Middle
Abby – Astatula Elementary
Levi – Villages Elementary
Noah – Villages Elementary
Elizabeth – Villages Elementary
Jonah – Villages Elementary
Clayton
Abbie
Logan
Sarah
Cole – Eustis Elementary
Caleb – Liberty Christian
Liam
Samantha
Michael
Joseph – Baptist Deltona Academy
Jessica – Boone High
Jarod – Giles Conway Middle School
Rachel – Howard Middle School
Grace – Pershing Elementary
Emma – Columbia Elementary
Jacob – Columbia Elementary
Hayden – PHE
Matthew
Jeremiah
Lauren – Winter Park High
Leah – Dommerich Elementary
Gianna – Dommerich Elementary
JJ – Moss Park Elementary
Sarah
Lauren
Matthew
Kalli – Carver Middle
Austin – Fruitland Park Elementary
Olivia – University
Austin – Woodward Ave Elementary
Presley – Blue Lake Elementary
Mia – Dr. Phillips High School
Dominique – Chain of Lakes Middle school
Dylan – Triangle Elementary
Cassandra
Mason – Eustis Middle
Kylie – Eustis Heights
Evan – Eustis Elementary
Sarah – Astatula Elementary
Brittany
Matthew
Nathan
Kayla
Savanna
Tyson
Aiden
Joshua Ray – Palmetto Elementary
Cassidy – Palmetto Elementary
Tatiana – Odyssey Middle School
Riley – Osceola Elementary School
Katie – Rainbow Elementary
Kaycie – Ocoee High
Benjamin
Caleb
Kaylen – Harmony High
Logan
Alivia – Tavares Elementary
Quentin
Amber
Lacy
Jordan
Jada – Boone High
Brodie – Blankner School
Keaton – Indian Trails Middle School
Jake
Destini – Tavares High
Savanah – Tavares Middle
Blake – Treadway Elementary
Logan – Villages Elementary
Lexi – Villages Elementary
Hailey – Carter Middle School
Ian – Smith Prep
Emma – Humprey’s Junior High
Esther – Humprey’s Junior High
Anna
Sara
Shelby
Jake – Orlando Christian Prep
Hannah – Howard
Kate – Dover Shores
Christian Maynard – Seabreeze High School
Cora – UCF
Terris – UCF
Joshua – Liberty University
Oniel – UCF
Jess – Daytona State University
Ashleigh – Virginia Intermont College
Jenna – Florida Tech
Mollie – UCF Thank you!
Teachers & Schools:
Leslie
Jason – Discovery Intermediate Middle School
Englewood Elementary
Jackson Middle
Mrs. Parkkila’s 3rd Grade Scholars at Moss Park Elementary
By Dwight Bain
Face it. All people have problems, not just women. Yet, the research shows the majority of people who seek professional counseling are female. In fact the majority of counselors are now women, (over 60%).
Or does it mean women are just more honest because they are being healthier by working on problems instead of ignoring them?
This process may explain why men tend to struggle with addictions to sports, alcohol, pornography, gambling, violence or drugs more than women do. Simply put a healthy person seeks out wise counsel when facing a challenge while an unhealthy person refuses help and only tries to figure it out themselves. Here are the most common reasons men avoid counseling situations.
1. Pride, “I’m not the problem- everybody else is”
2. Fear of their problems being exposed “for the world to see”
3. Fear of being seen as “Weak” by not being able to solve all their problems alone
4. Fear of Criticism from others pointing out where they are not perfect
5. Pain avoidance, basically “I don’t want to go to a place where they might make me cry”
6. Humbling to ask others for help
7. Financial fears – with thoughts like, “Why do I have to pay to bleed out?” Or “Why should I pay a stranger to do what I know I should be doing anyway?” (Note – attending the average professional sporting event costs 3-30 times more than the cost of a professional counseling session. One challenges your thinking the other gives you a few hours to not think about anything. Guess which one the average guy will pick?)
8. Not having time, or saying they don’t have time to seek help, yet the average man spends over 20 hours per week watching sports on TV.
9. Big fear of the “Last stop” which is the insecurity of feeling you have burned through every friend and now no one wants to listen to you talk about your life anymore. Basically everyone has given up on you.
10. Being “Numb” to life and forgetting how it feels to feel normal, or feel good, or feel joy inside, so the goal is to stay numb by not thinking or feeling anything important… or another version of this is to be able to talk about the entire batting averages of some guy they will never meet to avoid having to learn the names of their own child’s teachers. Major discussions about highly detailed financial markets, yet cannot ever remember the date of their own wedding anniversary.
11. Negative Expectations – “it won’t get better – so why even try?
12. Being listed as “Crazy” or being perceived as having a mental illness.
This one is interesting since the American Psychiatric Association is releasing a new guide to outline the diagnosable mental health issues in the United States. The results do not look promising. Early indicators point to 10% of the population have some form of diagnosable mental illness while 40% have emotional issues in varying degrees of severity. You have to wonder which half the people you work around are in, since the APA suggests that people who don’t seek out professional therapy when needed are actually the emotionally unhealthy ones. And you guessed it… it’s not women who skip out on seeking insight and emotional management, it’s the guys.
So should everyone go to counseling? Yes, but not all the time. Think of it like going to the Dentist, Chiropractor, Eye Doctor or a Car Mechanic. You go to a qualified professional to fix something or maintain it to prevent bigger problems. Same with most counseling- It’s a short term approach to prevent long term problems. But it takes getting honest about issues, and that is a place where a lot of guys don’t want to go. They would take down a terrorist to protect their family, but when it comes to facing their own selfishness, or anger, or lust, or confronting a rebellious teenager or setting boundaries with a controlling in-law, they act like scared babies and hide.
The Biggest Problem Men Face
The biggest obstacle men face isn’t usually their actual problems. It’s simply admitting they have them. Actually admitting you have a problem isn’t easy, but it is the beginning to solve it.
The odd thing is that most guys like to “fix” everything for others. You know, tinkering with the lawn mower to make it start again, or rebooting a computer, or plugging leaks under the sink, or working on the router to get the Wi-Fi back up… you name it, most guys will try to fix it… unless it’s about improving them or their relationships. Seems backward doesn’t it? Actually it’s not. Fixing the car doesn’t require opening up your heart to possible hurt, rejection or criticism. Car’s don’t ask hard questions like when a son asks his father, “Why is it okay for you to watch bad TV, but it’s not okay for me?” Cars just sit there and don’t talk, think, feel or challenge a guy’s thinking or hold him accountable to make better choices.
Virginia Woolfe said, “If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” So understanding emotions are healthy to express, but may cause you to feel helpless at first is a normal reaction. To express negative emotions through journaling, talking or praying is a powerful start, but honestly looking at issues in light of the example of Christ is the most transformational. Deep spiritual insight creates major emotional change.
Here’s a thought, What if the Clutter in a guy’s car, was an actual reflection of the clutter in his mind? While there are no psychological studies to show the connection between messy cars and mental concentration, it is true thatgreater self-awareness leads to greater self-improvement.
It is a direct 1:1 correlation, which is why you always have to change you before you can change anyone else. This is especially true in marriage, yet many guys make blaming their wife or kids for their problems an art form. The sad reality is their wife and kids know dad has problems too, but also know he would rather die than admit to any weakness.
So how can guys break out of the pattern of being average to become emotionally healthy? Simple, just follow these four principles.
1. Face it
2. Feel it
3. Process it
4. Grow
To face it is to get honest, to make it real. Since once you know you need to work on something like explosive anger, you now have to do something about it, or you have to lie and cover up. Guess which one most guys pick?
To feel it is to allow emotions to be expressed in a non-violent or non-threatening way. Since most guys learned how to “suck it up and be a man”which translated means “shut up and never tell anyone how you really feel” they don’t know how to describe what they are feeling. But they do know how to be angry. That’s why anger is the most common emotion for men to express. They aren’t allowed to cry anywhere except their mother’s funeral, but they can be mad anytime, anyplace, anywhere and at anyone… while everyone around them is supposed to just understand and not take it personal.
To process it is to talk through issues to release the regrets of the past, face the mistakes, take ownership for wrongs and to move forward in character development. This process leads to the final stage which is growth. A growing man will manage emotions instead of just stuff them. This is actually quite prudent since he will become more secure in himself to then lead his family in truth which is a good trade.
God wants men to be strong leaders- not passive couch potatoes. If you are a guy let this article challenge you to lead your family in truth; but if you are the woman in the life of a guy who blames you a lot, then it’s about time for a real honest talk. Will he change? Will he take ownership to really be different? You won’t know until you ask.
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
Reprint Permission– If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. “Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2013), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visitwww.LifeworksGroup.org.
Hundreds of times I’ve been asked questions after talk shows or speaking events about what it takes to set up a child to win at life. Basically people were asking for a step by step guidebook on how to meet the needs of a child, while leading them toward a life of early success instead of long term failure. It’s a great question, but since every child is different and every family has to overcome various challenges at different stages of life, there isn’t a 100% time tested answer to that question. That’s not bad news, it’s just life, but there is some good news if you want a sure bet solution to create strong and healthy kids; which comes from the advice that psychologist James Dobson told me once, “no matter how hard you try, your kids could still break all the rules and break your heart in the process- so stay on your knees and pray hard!”
After you pray for them, here’s a simple parenting formula that can help you to set your kids up to grow, mature and develop at any stage of life. I call it the “N.E.E.D. Formula” because it spells out the word need with the four key parenting strategies necessary to bring positive change to the children or teens in your life. Another important element is that the N.E.E.D. Formula will keep you on track as a balanced parent committed to bringing out the best in your kids without overindulging, over-protecting or over-controlling your children. (See more on this subject in the book “Loving your child too much” by Dr. Tim Clinton, @DrTimClinton ).
Here are the four essential parenting strategies your child needs to succeed.
N- Nourish
This includes parenting a child through all of the basics required to survive on this planet; including, providing food, shelter, clothing, shoes, grooming supplies and training in how to do everything from dressing yourself, tying your own shoes, brushing your own teeth and knowing how to take care of your body with healthy food choices, hydration and getting enough sleep. Add to these basic elements of parenting basic medical and dental care as required by the needs of the child and you have the first category required to raise healthy children.
When this need is met a child feels a deep sense of safety.
E- Encourage
This is the ‘soft love’ that children need to experience so often, which includes hugs, tickles, giggles, praise, ‘atta-boy’s or atta-girl’s’, kisses and lots of unconditional acceptance expressed verbally, like ‘I love you no matter what” especially when a child may be facing a difficult time or trying to recover from a painful experience or rejection.
– When this need is met a child feels a deep sense of Security
E- Equip
This is the ‘hard love’ that is most simply expressed through the word ‘no’. When a child begins to respect their parents, and really listens to the advice, counsel and direction provided by their mom and dad they begin the process of becoming equipped with incredible character qualities like self-discipline, self-control, responsibility and an understanding of boundaries, consequences and taking ownership for their behavior by being accountable to the authority sources in their life. (Like parents, grandparents, teachers and law enforcement officers.)
When this need is met a child develops confidence and strength.
D- Develop
Perhaps the most overlooked element in this process, because many parents forget that that their role of being a mommy or daddy isn’t forever. God set up a system of raising children to become strong young people to then launch them out into the world and let them go live their own lives. (Or as the popular song lyric goes, ‘Give them roots and give them wings).
This area includes coaching, guiding, educating, creating learning experiences, providing classes, training or growth events that nurture and develop the basic strengths of that child to become the man or woman that God designed them to be.
When this need is met a child experiences early success.
Now, let’s get personal – if you are gutsy, score yourself on a scale of 1-25, (25 is the highest), in each category to see how you are doing as a parent. Most parents do a great job in the N and E of the formula, but then begin to drop off on the second E and often get so busy that they never do much with the final D part of the formula at all. If a child has too many things provided for them, they don’t mature on track which can lead to falling way behind their peers in terms of becoming independent thinkers and self-reliant young adults.
Once you have identified the gaps in your own parenting style I challenge you to take positive action to work on your parenting approach so can you get better results with your kids at this stage of life. If you see one of the four key areas that are scored at 12 or below, then you may want to do some research to discover more specific ways to help your child be your best in those categories. If you are below a 5 in a particular category you may want to seek some professional guidance to maximize your potential as a parent in every area of your child’s life.
Fighting back against the biggest roadblocks to raising strong kids
Here are a few other key strategies that may help you bring out the best in your kids every day since I want you to have the best tools and resources possible to help your son or daughter be their best. Do this by overcoming the two biggest obstacles that tend to ‘steal’ your kids away from your parental influence. Those categories are Peers and Media. Solve this by using the strategies below to build stronger connections with their peers, then learning how to make positive connections in their choices of media and finally aggressively building on the natural strengths of your child.
1) Connection to a peer with similar values.
Battle back against negative peers by guiding your child toward peers with similar personality and similar family backgrounds and then nurture your child’s relationship with those positive peers. Sheila and I have rescheduled vacations, holidays and other planned family gatherings to make sure that our kids were able to experience every healthy relationship experience possible. Does that mean we are ‘meddling’ behind the scenes to get a more favorable outcome- you bet! Remember, it only takes one good friend in childhood or the turbulent teen years who can talk you out of making a bad decision, or one bad friend who can take you down. Peers have more power than parents at different stages, so take every action you can to point them toward positive role models and toward building healthy relationships today.
Peers are the #1 influencer during middle and high school so if you aren’t sure how to find healthy kids for your children to connect with, then remember to check out their friends from school or church groups, sports, or perhaps your child could make a great connection through someone they might meet in a specialty camp, like YMCA swimming lessons, Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, or Joe White’s incredibly effective sports camps- http://www.kanakuk.com/ . Our daughter Heidi has made and kept friends through the years who shared similar interests and values through her wonderful summer experiences at the Billy Graham summer program for kids in Black Mountain, NC, called “Camp Cedar Cliff” http://www.bgtc.info/ ).
2) Connection to positive media with a message they really relate to.
Find great movies, (Films like “Facing the Giants” for older kids or perhaps “Finding Nemo” for the younger set), powerful songs or fun TV shows that teach an important message – like the TV show “Are you smarter than a 5th grader”, which is a combination between “Who wants to be a millionaire” & “Jeopardy”. It’s a fun way to connect as a family because it shows that very bright 5th graders are very often smarter than ‘average’ adults in academic subjects so it’s a fun way to get everyone in the family involved in learning the basic facts of science, math or literature.
Another strategy to utilize is to consider how adding DVR or Tivo, (which is an add-on to your cable service and may require a new box), because this technology allows you to auto save the programs you want, and save time by fast forwarding past the commercials. This also gives you the power to pick whatever television shows your family can benefit from so they can watch things that empower, educate and inform when it’s most convenient, and gives you total parental control of the advertising messages they are exposed to.
Check out other great resources to help you find the best media fit for your child, like The Truth Project www.Truthproject.org on developing a Christian world view, or the Parents Television Council.http://www.parentstv.org/, the National Institute on Media and the Family,http://www.mediafamily.org/, The Dove Foundation, (which reviews music, films and television),http://www.dove.org/ or the really cool resource for parents to understand all forms of media and their influence on kids, “Plugged In Magazine- Online” at http://www.pluggedinonline.com/
3) Personality is the third factor, which is to find your child’s passion, (strength), as early as possible.
If someone is in love with piano, diving, golf, martial arts, small business, film, cartooning, tennis, skiing, newspaper, art, baseball, football, volunteering at the rescue mission, or FFA, it gives them valuable experience in the areas that they are best suited for, while protecting them from the dark side of culture reflected in the old saying, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.”
I can still vividly remember how my parents guided me during my middle teen years with seeking out opportunities for me to do volunteer work at media stations. My early experiences at WDBO-AM, WFTV-TV9/ABC, WTLN-AM and WMFE-TV24/PBS created a love for communicating through media that lives on to this day. Media communication experiences in my middle teen years led to the desire to learn how to be a public speaker through joining the speech club, Toastmasters International, (www.toastmasters.org/) after high school. My parents wisely planted seeds during my childhood years that have grown into a lifetime of positive career experiences working in the field of communications by God’s grace.
(Side note: The book I recommended for adults to better understand building on strengths is “Now Discover your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham and Don Clifton. Dr. James Dobson has a tremendous amount of practical parenting strategies to overcome the most challenging of situations at his website, www.Family.org . And if your child struggles with school work or test anxiety, I highly recommend the insightful book by Dr. Mel Levine on the unbelievable challenges that face kids during the middle school years through high school, “Ready or Not, here life comes” or the wealth of information on learning style differences available at his excellent website, www.AllKindsofMinds.comwhich shows how to bring out the best in kids that don’t fit the ‘cookie cutter’ system of education used in many places. One size may fit all in flip-flops but it doesn’t work with children, so search until you find the role models and resources that will help you to best help your child).
Once you know what your child’s passion and strengths are – then actively get involved in building their confidence by developing those strengths by studying the lives of positive role models your child can identify with, or by finding private lessons to help them best utilize their skills, talents and natural abilities, or through summer camps. For instance if your child loved the ocean, consider Camp Sea World, where kids and parents actually do overnight camping in the park next to the Killer whales; or if a child is older they could attend the week long intensive programs offered by Sea World during the summer months and then come home and tell you all about what they learned as they begin to stretch their wings to fly away from home for a little while at this stage, to eventually soar out into the world as a confident young person.
Taking positive action now by planting seeds of greatness inside your son or daughter and then watering and developing those seeds to meet your child’s N.E.E.D.’s in a powerful way will set your kids up to win, and when they experience success early in life so do you! Do whatever you can now to help your kids with the N.E.E.D. Formula because the clock is ticking and you don’t get any time back. Remove any roadblock that keeps you from being the best mom or dad that you can be and do it today!
If this seems overwhelming to you, then here’s a simple strategy from my friend John Trent, PhD who challenges all of us to get involved in our kids lives through a series of tiny steps that eventually bring huge results. (learn more about this user-friendly concept in his book, The 2 degree Difference” available from his website, http://www.strongfamilies.com/) This message is made even more real as you listen to the words of noted author C.S. Lewis, who said, “Good and evil both increase at compound interest. This is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance.”
This is your time to step up to make a positive difference in the life of your kids, so I hope that you will be challenged to meet their N.E.E.D.’s in a new way. Who knows, one day I may get to rejoice along with you as your child experiences early success because of your wise influence as the most important person on the planet to them. Between now and “launch time”- know that you are not alone in the journey and that there are people who will help you past the rough spots with your kids and even more who will cheer as your son or daughter experiences early success in the future from the seeds you planted in their lives today.
“Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews(Copyright, 2004-2013, by the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. 407-647-7005)”
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
Sheriff Kevin Berry [in Afghanistan]
Steve Shuman [in Afghanistan]
Linda [serving in Afghanistan]
Jorden Culleny [US Army Ft Hood Texas]
Kyle [US Air Force, serving in Guam]
Elliott
Anthony
R. Rosario
Jonathan Hulse
Jennifer [serving in Afghanistan]
William Feger
Wesley Smith
David Sandberg
William Edward Shepler, PFC
SGM Don Gaskins [Recovering from a heart attack]
Captain Yadira Gamio [serving in Afghanistan]
1SG Nelson Gamio [serving in Afghanistan]
Nathan Newberg [Rescue Swimmer]
Stephen Erlacher [serving in Afghanistan]
CW3 Richard Howard
Rik Todd
David Ward
Shawn Langan
Chuck Kindig
1SG Dennis Godfrey
CPT Sean Godfrey
COL James Godfrey [Currently Deployed]
LTC James Godfrey [Retired]
Josh Munger
SPC Justin Gerhart [serving in Afghanistan]
Jose C, Sr.
Jose C, Jr.
Jose A, Sr.
Jose A, Jr.
Nick E
Renny E
Linda E
Erasmo T
Nelson F
Sailor Kyle Hanson
Jeremy Vess [serving in Afghanistan]
James Raney [serving in Afghanistan]
Joey Cerami [serving in Afghanistan]
St. Louis Ribs
Serves 2
1 full rack of St. Louis–style ribs (about 4 pounds)
2 tablespoons 4R All-Purpose Rub
2 cups apple juice, poured into a squirt bottle
2 tablespoons light brown sugar
2 tablespoons honey
¼ cup BBQ Sauce
Prepare smoker
Cook ribs
Finish ribs
By Dwight Bain
Been to the circus and seen the elephants? The domesticated ones are amazing to watch, but what if an elephant were not tamed? What would happen then? Elephants are the largest living animals walking on earth at 13 feet tall weighing up to 15,000 pounds that can destroy about anything, (I saw a TV news story showing an elephant on rampage literally tossing cars around like small toys and chasing hundreds of people down the street… terrifying). Tamed elephants can add value, but a wild elephant goes wherever it wants, leaving a path of destruction in its path.
There is an old saying that some families have an elephant in the room; meaning there are some huge issues no one is willing to talk about. Yet, just like having something bigger than a mini-van in the living room, everyone can see it. Psychologists call this dysfunction, but if you are living through it you know it’s totally discouraging, disheartening and sometimes even dangerous… like a wild elephant.
A dysfunctional family has three rules about the elephant in the room-
1. Don’t Talk
2. Don’t Think
3. Don’t Feel
Meaning there are usually a lot of secrets, silence and stress in dysfunctional families. It is more common than you think for families to ignore one another, or worse to blow up on each other.
How to get started? You have to name the beast.
Sometimes the ‘elephant’ is alcohol, sometimes it’s abusive or violent language, sometimes it can be a secret addiction like gambling, drugs or pornography, then other times it’s about money; major debt no one talks about, or takes action about until the moving trucks arrive before foreclosure and the cars are repossessed. A distant marriage that is slowly dying – but no one does anything about it can be a common ‘elephant.’ In-laws and family loyalty can be a massive elephant for some families – you know, this family member doesn’t like that in-law, so they make secret phone calls or stab them in the back to continually weaken the relationship. It can really get ugly… and can only get bigger until someone names the beast.
Family secrets happen a lot, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can ‘tame’ the elephants by naming them, and beginning to talk about it; or make the decision to keep them locked up and never discuss it again but you can’t let them roam around your family wrecking everything in their path. Here is a better formula to solve family dysfunction and do what I call ‘taming the elephants.’
This process is easy to remember, since it spells out the word, “TALK.” Here’s how it works:
T – Trust
A – Accept
L – Listen
K – Keep calm
First, you have to have a trusting relationship with the people in your family to talk openly about anything. If you have trust, you have everything and are better able to discuss problems openly. If there is low trust, or worse, you are in a relationship without trust then you need to call in a professional elephant tamer, (read as Counselor), since they can bring balance to the situation until trust can be rebuilt.
Once trust is built, the next step is to accept what your family member is saying. Remember, they have a perspective that you may have overlooked, and their opinion needs to be considered. Acceptance involves not attacking, criticizing or blaming a person for sharing their point of view. Which leads to the next stage in the process –
Listen. Simply stop and really listen to your family members. Listen to your friends. Start conversations about the ‘elephant’s in the room’ and really listen to what is being said. Family secrets cannot last long when you are talking openly and listening to each other. In fact, many problems are solved when you just block out time to listen to each other.
Of course family secrets are tough to talk about, so the final part of the process is to keep calm; especially if the topics are difficult to bring up, (like alcoholism, an affair or unplanned pregnancy). Keep calm and remember the goal, to tame the elephants of major problems to keep your home calm and safe.
When you tackle these issues directly and in a calm way you can work through anything. If things get a little rocky, reach out for help from others, but don’t just ignore the elephants. Families that talk openly together, and then prayerfully work through the issues move from living in a circus full of crazy elephants running around, to a peaceful zoological park. The big issues may still be there, but they are named, managed and observed from a safe distance and no one gets hurt.
You don’t have to lose your marriage or family over the elephant in the room, but you do have to TALK about it. There is a verse in Isaiah 55 that can get you started, “Come let us reason together.” If there are elephants running around your home I challenge you to seek a reasonable solution. Stop avoiding and start talking. You will like the results if you stick with it because the more you TALK the less likely you will get trampled in the process. Since family secrets get worse with time, get started and know God is challenging you to speak the truth in a loving way. (Ephesians 4:15)
If you’ve enjoyed this article and found it valuable, then if you would do me the favor of forwarding it to your friends, family and associates. If you want to subscribe to receive these important insights visit www.LifeworksGroup.org for easy and confidential email signup; best of all these counseling and life coaching insights are available at no cost as a gift from the LifeWorks team of Christian Counselors and Coaches.
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Morningswith Ellis & Tyler |
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Middayswith Dan Connors |
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Afternoonswith Shadow |
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Eveningswith Paco Lopez |
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Late Nightswith Alana |
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Overnights |
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Weekend Mornings |
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Weekends |
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Weekend Eveningswith Tracy |
