Want fewer conflicts with your family? Stop the subtle ‘lies’ that hurt feelings. That’s what a counselor told me the first year Sheila and I were married. Stop trying and start doing. I think he was borrowing a quote from Master Yoda in the Star Wars film who said, “Do or Do not. There is no Try.” Tried it. It worked and that’s when I learned the secret to resolve needless conflict.
“Trying is Lying. Only Doing builds Trust.”
When we say the word “Try” it doesn’t mean much. Consider these popular phrases:
I am going to try to –
Lose the weight
Quit smoking
Get more sleep
Be on time
Pay off the credit card this month
Watch less TV and read more
Spend less time on Facebook
And my #1 favorite…
“I’m going to try to get to the gym.”
Behavior is based on belief. What we believe pulls us toward action. It’s very powerful. Until you really believe something you can’t change it. It’s just words.
If you want a better family life stop speaking ‘little lies’ since your family will only hear the lying part.
‘We will try to go to Disney this weekend, if it doesn’t rain’, really means ‘we are going to Disney this weekend’ to a child.
‘I will try to play legos with you when I get home if it’s not too late,’ means ‘I will play legos with you tonight,’ to a little boy.
‘Of course we will try to clean the garage this weekend’ means ‘we will clean the garage’ to an exhausted marriage partner.
Passive people think they will avoid a little conflict by saying ‘we will try’ to their kids or partners, and then end up with a major conflict when ‘trying’ is exposed to mean nothing. And when ‘trying’ collapses it creates pain and the roots of resentment. A little disappointment with the truth is better than a ton of disappointment, hurt, rejection and the shattered trust of being labeled a liar.
Simply stated – “Trying is Lying.”
What to do about it?
Prioritize your days/weeks/months. Figure out what you can or cannot do, and then do what you say you are going to do. Stop big disappointments by speaking the truth now. Stop saying ‘I will try to do better, and simply do better. The responsibility on you, not the blaming narrative that it is the other person’s fault.
You have the power to change and lift up your family out of needless conflict by practicing what the Apostle Paul taught. “Speak the truth in love so they may grow,” he wrote to a group of religious people who were openly attacking one another. (Ephesians 4:15) Prioritizing your life, speaking the truth, staying and connected and loving is way more important than a quote from a movie. It’s transformational action and it starts with you.
No more trying.
No more lying.
From now on simply doing.
That’s the key to a healthy family. A place full of positive action, instead of painful conflict.
You have the power. Start now.
About the author – Dwight Bain is a licensed counselor and certified coach who guides people in rewriting their story to create positive change. Follow him across all social platforms for more inspiration @DwightBain
