Victoria’s Wedding

1. What inspired you to choose the topic of relationships with adult children for this week’s blog?

Of all my pursuits and accomplishments in life, parenting two amazing children has by far been the most rewarding. Most parents would agree it is the hardest job a person could ever have. Parenting comes with frustrations, heartache and struggles. More importantly, there are so many moments of joy and amazement as you watch your children grow, that all of the hard work is 100% worth it! I know many of our Z88.3 listeners have children, and probably look to the future, wondering how parenting will change in the years to come. It seems like yesterday that my wife Janice and I had small children at home, and now they’ve both left the nest. Our job as parents is never over, but the roles we play will change with time and making sure parents and children are all on the same page is critical to maintaining healthy relationships with our kids when they’re no longer living under our roof.

2. How do you think the dynamics of parent-child relationships change as children transition into adulthood?

For many parents, myself included, the most difficult part of raising our children to adulthood is letting go. Many years before they leave home for good, it’s important to begin giving them room to grow, learn from their mistakes, and discover who they are as individuals outside the nuclear family sharing one house. It’s not easy relaxing some of the boundaries, recognizing that house rules created when the kids were 10 years old might not so much apply to a 17 year old. Whatever friction we experience with our kids in their later years at home often is caused by the parents and kids having very different ideas of how to redefine those rules and boundaries. Parents, we all need to give ourselves grace, and recognize we aren’t going to get everything right and neither are our kids. In our family, our son Daniel was the oldest, and he would sometimes suggest that we were more lenient with our daughter Victoria than we were with him, especially involving rules like bed times, curfew times, and what contributions were expected around the house. Although we couldn’t see it at the time, perhaps we did treat our two kids differently, maybe in part because our first child gave us the experience that allowed us to make more effective decisions with the second child. If we had it to do over, perhaps we would do some things differently, but at the same time, we have to recognize that as humans, our parenting will always have some flaws, no matter how hard we try, and that’s normal. All we can do is follow our hearts and parent the best we can.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned about the changing relationships between parents and children as they get older is that listening to your children is an important part of the communication process. Sometimes the answer to our challenges might come from something that’s on their heart, and making sure they feel secure in sharing their thoughts with us will keep the lines of communication open. In my experience, communication, support and love are vital to healthy parent/child relationships.

3. What advice do you have for parents who may be struggling to connect with their adult children?

Never stop trying. There will be seasons in all of our lives where there are disconnects. Our adult children are forging their own identities, values and traditions, and sometimes we may discover that those values and traditions may not fall completely in line with our own. Matters of religion, finance and relationships are now theirs to decide. These differences could make us feel like we have come up short as parents, because our hope was that all the examples we set, all the values we instilled would be forever present in our kids, but have somehow been lost over time. The reality is that our kids carry with them everything we instilled in them, and ultimately they will shine in their own way. It’s only natural that they want to establish themselves as adults, apart from us, and this can be a confusing process. I have learned that patience, kindness and love are important virtues when maintaining relationships with adult children. Expressing your disapproval or disappointment can cause them to back away. It’s best to celebrate and embrace their choices and decisions. When our children lived at home, it was our job as parents to guide and teach them so that they would have the tools to become healthy adults. Now that they are adults, our role is one of support, encouragement and offering advice only when it is asked of us. Unless your child is exhibiting behavior that makes you fear for their safety, health or well being, I believe it is best to give them the room to live their lives. When they need our advice, they will ask. With both my son and daughter, I tended to offer lots of advice early on, sometimes unsolicited, and I realized that I was smothering them as if they still lived under our roof. Once I learned to let go a little more, listen a little more, and watch their amazing journey unfold, our relationships have grown and developed in a very positive way.

4. Are there any specific communication strategies or techniques you recommend for fostering strong relationships with adult children?

We are texters. Texts work well for our family because we can all answer them as we have time, and we can update each other on what’s happening in our lives. Our family text chain includes our children and their spouses. My son jokes that when my wife or I call him on the phone, his first assumption is that we are calling with bad news. If I want to talk to him on the phone, I’ve learned to text first. “Hey, is this a good time to call? Nothing is wrong.” This avoids triggering his anxiety. Lately, he has become the one who calls us more regularly, mainly because he needs advice on whatever home project he is working on with his wife that day. When we begin to find balance in our relationships with our adult children, in addition to hearing from them more often, we will begin to realize that their generation knows a lot of things we don’t, and we can ask for their advice too. Our kids love to share their knowledge with us, and asking them for help gives them an even stronger sense of their own role as adults. I would have never learned to use Venmo, figured out how to connect my wife’s Apple Watch to her phone, or learned how to upload a video to YouTube without my kid’s help. Advice and support between adult children and their parents works both ways.

5. Your daughter was recently married! Congrats! What advice do you have for other parents who may be preparing for their child’s wedding day, based on your own experiences and insights?

Weddings provide so much potential for conflicts, and we are thankful that my daughter’s wedding was overwhelmingly joyful and positive. We are so fortunate with both of our kids, that the partners they chose are wonderful people and their extended families are a perfect fit for our family dynamics. One rule my wife and I chose to follow after my daughter’s engagement was that this was her wedding, and we would support her choices, decisions and plans. Taking this stance allowed our daughter and her fiancé the freedom to plan their special day the way they wanted, without worry that the plans would draw criticism, disapproval or unwanted advice. She created a beautiful day that we will all remember forever. But even doing our best to stay out of her wedding planning, except when asked, there was one decision that concerned my wife and I, and we feared that sharing our feelings might cause distress or hurt. My wife and I decided we needed to be honest with her, and find a way to share our concerns that would not make her feel unsupported or questioned. We decided to meet her for lunch, and we brought up the matter that we disagreed with. Most importantly, we told her very clearly why we felt how we did, and what we believed might be the impact on the family members attending the wedding. We closed our lunch meeting by saying that we would fully support her final decisions regardless, but asked if she would at-least consider our position, discuss it with her fiancé and consider whether there was a satisfactory alternative. She was very open-minded to our input, and called a few days later to say that she and her fiancé had decided to reverse their position based on our recommendation. We are thankful that we communicated with clarity, honesty and love. Did we manage to stick to our rules and stay out of the way the rest of the time? Well, you’d have to ask her, but we can honestly say the wedding was amazing!

6. Can you share a lesson or piece of wisdom that you’ve gained from witnessing your son and daughter embark on this new chapter of their life?

Let me just say that now that both of our kids are married, my son, daughter and their spouses amaze me every day. My wife, Janice and I have been very fortunate to have had a loving marriage for 35 years. There is nothing more satisfying than to see my children in the beginnings of a similar marriage. They respect each other, make decisions by communicating their wishes and vision. Their love for each other is visible in everything they do. Every marriage takes work and effort, and it is beautiful to see their relationships are developing and growing with each day they spend together. Hopefully, the examples we set for our children, and the values we instilled in them, along with the examples and values their spouses parents instilled in them are tools they are able to use as they embark on their lives and future together. The biggest piece of wisdom I can share now that my children have left the nest is that parents are parents forever. I look at my own 89 year old dad, and my relationship with him. He is still parenting, even now. He is there for advice, and he worries if too many days go by without hearing from me. He also relishes the role of being a grandparent, something else I hope to experience one day. Once you have children, as the years pass, you discover that it’s the role of a lifetime! Your important work is never done. Who could ask for more than that?